Welp, cut my finger off!
Not entirely, but enough to tell you I DID NOT PASS OUT FROM THE SPURTING BLOOD 🩸, however I might have if my neighbor, Katelyn, didn't come speeding toward the farmhouse at 90 mph in her husband's black pickup truck, because she literally thought we were going to have to put a piece of it on ice.
This is what I get for trying to eat healthy.
The day was off to a good start, I tell you. A good start! Went to state park. Took hike. Squished through mud. Was feeling all sorts of "ah, fresh air!" inspired.
So then naturally I went grocery shopping right afterward and decided that, yes, THE TIME-ITH HAD COME-ITH: I was going to lose this weight I've put on since arriving to America. And I was going to do it with....mustard greens. (Which I have no idea how to cook.) And edamame. (Which I feel like would be better if soaked in salt and vinegar and 3 sticks of butter?) And yellow squash. (Which I always have high hopes for but am usually disappointed.)
Drive home.
Sing kumbaya. (It was gangster rap.)
Have a quick wee.
And, this is where things take a sharp, ahem, turn.
Let me tell you the secret to a long-lasting, ever-loving middle finger that will remain in tact for decades to come.
(Yes, of course it was my middle finger. WHAT ELSE WOULD IT BE?)
The secret is...
Go ahead and put raw your chicken guts into a plastic bag.
Put your wilty, limp leftover caesar salad into a plastic bag.
Put your seventeen charging cables you can't identify into a plastic bag.
Hell, put your lover's gross hole-filled underwear into a plastic bag. (While they are sleeping, muahahahahaaaa.)
But do not...
And I repeat...
Do not...
Ever...
Break what I am now calling "Ash's Rule."
What is Ash's (Very Important, Now-a-New-International-Holiday) Rule?
It is that...
You should not...
I proclaim to us all, YOU SHOULD NOT...
Put a "mandoline" into a plastic bag. Ever.
Now, I know what you're thinking: what's the harm in putting a stringed musical instrument commonly used in the Andean mountains of Peru into a plastic bag, Ash?!
I know. Confusing!
But, this type of mandoline—with an "e" on the end—is not a friendly little f***ing violin.
(Speaking of the letter "e," I am currently using my ring finger to hit the "e" key, and it's seriously disturbing.)
No, this mandoline? For all of us who didn't go to cooking school at Le Cordon Bleu in Paris?
Is a teeny, tiny, angry little kitchen guillotine. The French invented both, which should tell you everything. (You know, gratin potatoes and all.)
You use it to slice off their heads off your fingers your vegetables uniformly, and I recently bought one because clearly I am now a domestic goddess of unthinkable proportions.
And, with the teeny, tiny, angry little guillotine comes lots of teeny, tiny angry little attachments. Some for making your potatoes into little squares. Some for making your carrots into little strings. It's really one big block party, honestly.
So, I said to myself, "Self, you should put all of these teeny tiny attachments into a bag. A bag will solve all your problems! A bag will be very organized of you. A bag will ensure you don't lose all of these majestic kitchen accessories in the deep, dark caverns of your mind (the back of the kitchen cupboard)."
Little did I realize...
A mandoline in a plastic bag?
Looks AWFULLY similar to a carton of eggs in a plastic bag.
And when you are absentmindedly unpacking your groceries one bright, sunny Saturday morning after you have just hiked a mountain and purchased mustard greens and are convinced your next step is getting the world's coolest haircut?
That's when the guillotine comes down.
For that is when you will reach over, and with all the gusto in the world?
You will grab that sweet, sweet mandoline blade with your bare hand.
And, it will do its job.
Did you know that iodine doesn't hurt anymore?
I have this memory of iodine hurting like a mo. One time, I flipped the handlebars on my bike and gouged out a hunk of my knee and all I remember was that iodine.
At the hospital, they gave me a metal bowl filled with the stuff and put my bloody, bleeding, dangling-pieced finger right into it and I almost said a prayer even though I do not pray, and then suddenly I was like, "oh wait, this is...fine?"
Then a doctor came over and he stuck a needle in either side of my finger to numb the whole thing and then he was like "have you ever had stitches before?" and I was like "no," and he was like "lay down," and I was like "it's okay, I'm not squeamish," and he was like, "YEAH I DON'T TRUST YOU." That's not what he said but it's what he meant, so I asked if I could take a picture first and he was like sure and that's when I looked over at my finger and saw what human flesh looks like inside. Bleeeeughhhh!
Anyway, stitches, I've discovered, are very Franken-hot. I'm gonna have the coolest scar. RIP fingerprints.
FORTUNATELY, it's my left hand, so I'm still going to be in absolute beast-mode creating the limited-edition collectible boxes for my new book launch, House Sh*t for Mortals.
You are getting one, right???????
Pre-order now and you get:
- The limited-edition collector's box, straight from the farmhouse, including: A hand-painted piece of artwork by me, containing cheeky one-liners about the realities of living in a house; a house product I'm absolutely obsessed with; a decorative object that lives in my house that I think you need, too; a curated palette of Ash-approved paint/wallpaper to try this year; an unexpected artifact from the farmhouse as a total mystery surprise; and a handwritten note from me to you—not printed, not copied, hand-written (shipping July 1st, international orders no extra cost)
- You get your name printed in my new book
- You get a physical, signed copy sent to your house (shipping Sept. 1st)
- You get the digital and audiobook versions, too
- And, you get lifetime, forever access to my new home app (shipping Dec. 1st)
Or, read more here. 🤘
BY THE WAY—online courses—you finally making one this year?
Go with Kajabi.
Here's why:
- Kajabi's new Backstage feature is SICKKKKK. Gives each student a private portal and lets you personalize the course experience for them. 😲 Every client gets their own program. You can do curated lessons, voice memos, recorded sessions, a direct chat. Result? A $2K+/month client from content you already have. This is HUGE.
- You can ALSO now get paid sponsorships through Kajabi....OR....you can pay to sponsor someone else's newsletter and advertise yours! (And they handle copy, payment, and the whole deal.) This is a game-changer because every Kajabi creator has an audience full of people who already pay experts—so they're much more likely to become a customer than, say, Janice in Iowa, who's never bought an online course. VERY COOL.
- Have you noticed I have been so excited I switched to Kajabi??? LOL.
- They also now have "Sales Agents" that can answer questions on your sales page (what!) OR also become a "Teaching Assistant" inside of your course, helping students find what they need, and making for a way better experience. I'm going to try this out.
- And, by the way?! They made me an affiliate partner 🥳, which means that if you sign up to Kajabi through my link here (or any in this email), not only will I get an affiliate commish, you'll get 50% off for 12 whole months—which is not publicly available anywhere else. (Their public spring promo offers 50% off for only 6 months.) Perks, my friend, perks!
Last but not least?
Special email dropping tomorrow.
You won't wanna miss it.
(Promise there are no bloody fingertips involved.)
XOXO,
Ash
P.S. Did not get any blood on my favorite light blue carpet runner in the kitchen, thank vodka. I have this one from Ruggable and LOVE IT. Anything I've dropped on it has always washed out, but I didn't want to take my chances with blood, lol.