| This is 🚨 CODE RED 🚨. It’s DEAD VOICE CLUB TUESDAY. 💀 Recommended safety gear: mouthguard, burner phone, fresh Gmail alias. | |
| Pronounced "boring" at the scene. 💀 I have a bone to pick. IT IS A RATHER LARGE BONE. 🦴
But first, lemme attempt to hoist myself up onto my countertop here—from which I shall sip something with *basil*—and ask you:
Which emails do you never. freaking. open?
I have a theory (not about basil in your drinks, but also have you ever HAD a basil pisco sour 🌿🍹?!?!?!??!).
Here is that theory:
The more images, the less opens.
Otherwise written very cooly (am I cool still???) as:
+images, -opens.
Unless you are sending me images of REALLY GREAT WALLPAPER (we know, I have an obsession), I don't really want:
- Pictures of your President's Day banner
- Pictures of a grid of your content
- Pictures that look ANYTHING like stock
- Pictures pulled directly from your Shopify product page
- Pictures that feel like ads
- A collage. I don't care what kind of collage. I will think I am being sold leggings.
They cause a hard, emotional delete before they even finish loading. And, you know who is weirdly—weirdly—guilty of this? Like, the last people on earth you'd think would be guilty of this?!
Book publishers 📚
&
Book sellers 📖
*gasp! I said it!*
You ever seen this line 40,000 times in your inbox?
“ "Discover your next great read."
How is it possible that the people in charge of "discovering your next great read," are all writing emails that are not so great? If your job is “discovering my next great read,” you don’t get to be neutral. You have to pick a side. Even if that side is feral.
Which is why I'd like to propose a different idea.
Instead of sending out a generic corporate piece of "email marketing" that no one is going to care about, why not hire a team of kick-ass writers who can *actually write emails?*
Because do you know what we want from an email?
Perspective.
Discernment.
An opinion.
A POV.
And, these are not things you can give to us if you're writing as "a corporate entity." Until your corporate entity can sit down with me and have a basil pisco sour?
I DON'T WANT YOUR EMAIL, JACK-O.
If your email needs images to survive, it’s not an email; it’s a brochure wearing a trench coat.
And, in a most ironic twist??? The real reason we still crave books is because there are no ads in them. So, the emails used to sell them damn well shouldn't be.
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| Capitalism followed us here 🪦 If you're hangin' out in your pajamas right now eating some brie, tryin' like hell to STAY WARM, and daydreaming about having a $100K+ online business you can take with you to FRANCE (because France), you have to do three things better than other people:
- Have a message that slices open eyeballs 👀
- Have an offer that slices open lungs 🫁
- Have an email list that slices open brains 🧠
If you're just getting started, or you've got an online business that's kinda...errr....stalling, you gotta watch this video series.
It's called "Dream Business Bootcamp." And, it's the perfect starting place if you're feeling a little fuck-y. (And still trying to figure out if you should eat the rind of the brie?!?!) *Affiliate partner. I will receive a commission if you purchase anything from Marie in the future, which I will promptly spend on jewels heating the farmhouse, apparently. WHY IS HEATING THINGS SO EXPENSIVE?!?!?!?! | |
| Found in the wild: businesses with a pulse. Q: How do you sell something for more money than everybody else?
A: You write product descriptions like J.Peterman (my all-time fav)(iykyk) | |
| Today's tip for the dead 💀 The thing about product descriptions?
They're never about the product.
Not when they're written right.
Before:
Crafted from 100% pashmina wool sourced from Nepal.
Soft, lightweight, and warm.
Designed for versatility and everyday wear.
After:
Grace Kelly wore it with a silk scarf around her head. You wore it writing the final scene to your best-selling novel.
Pair it with tailored trousers. Pull it over a simple tee and jeans. Layer it over an Oxford while sipping tea beneath the verandah to reveal its full potential.
Ready to accompany you from boardroom to brunch with impeccable ease, as if the very essence of the Himalayas was wrapping you in its tender arms.
Wearing this, you’ll find yourself inspired.
That novel you set aside; it’s done. The language you’ve wanted to learn; you’re fluent. The impressionistic painting collecting dust on the easel; the details, at last, are stunning. It’s only fitting you wear something as versatile as your talents. You don't even care what the product was, do you?
(It was this poncho.)
No, product descriptions are never about the product.
They're about the person.
What's a story they'd die to see themselves in?
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| Money, assets & getting paid. 💰 I have THE WORST NEWS TO TELL YOU.
It may be controversial.
It may land me in jail.
But, here's what I'm gonna whisper into your ear:
If you're making an online course this year, I think Kajabi is the way to go. In the past, I've recommended other platforms—and have used them—but you know what kept being A REALLY BIG PROBLEM?
Really. Bad. Or. Slow. Or. Non. Existent. Customer. Service. For. Weeks. And. Weeks. On. End.
And weird things, like not being able to process a refund in a reasonable time frame (and needing to do this manually off platform, exchanging Paypal addresses, etc. - what a nightmare).
Loving Kajabi right now if you're making onlien courses and love fast, friendly people who you can chat with right in the interface (so you don't have to tighten your butt cheeks every time you log in).
(Though you will see for Dead Voice Club—announcement coming tomorrow!—that for my brand-new creative writing school??? For US??? For our gathering space to kick ass at writing on the internet this year? We're using Circle. Because it's great for actual interaction, which is what this club is: one-part school, one-part mastermind. With me, live every week! STAY TUNED, I CAN'T WAIT TO ROCK OUT WITH YOU THIS YEAR. ⚡️)
*Affiliate partner of Kajabi now bc why wouldn't you be? We need to talk about this someday for your future business life | |
| Totally dead over 🖤 - I started using Co-Pilot Money, and omg, FINALLY A MONEY APP WITH A SICK USER INTERFACE. Like, thank you. I didn't want to categorize these expenses as it was, but now that it's cute, maybe I'll actually do it.
- This guy makes me smile - he teaches you how to make good fucking video and he's fun and inspiring and I LIKE.
- My friend texted and was like, "Ugh, I gotta drive an hour to go get this thing notarized," and I was like, "DON'T YOU KNOW ABOUT NOTARIZE.COM?!?!" And I legitimately needed to put that here in this newsletter bc I haven't gone to any dingy offices in the middle of a strip mall to get anything notarized in years now. (One time I even notarized something from the ferry to Martha's Vineyard, which makes me sound WAY COOLER THAN I AM.)
Ugh, also? The pipes in the cottage burst, HA HA HA, BEING A HOMEOWNER IS SUCH A JOY. Published this Substack today, in case you're interested in my more personal newsletters AKA "did that seriously just happen???"
See you next Tuesday! (But actually sooner, because tomorrow starts the official launch of Dead Voice Club, my brand-new writing school for 2026! LET'S GO, GO, GO!!!!!!!!)
Ash
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