You Want the Money? You Gotta Write.

You ever become OBSESSED with someone’s newsletter?

It’s kind of creepy, right, like there you are in your faded pink Target PJs, slopping tomato soup down your chest, wishing you had the kind of hair those girls with the long, straight mermaid hair do, task-switching between email and the laundry, remembering you forgot to buy a gift for your friend’s kid’s birthday, feeling a little dipsy because you drank two whiskey sours last night, and who even likes whiskey sours????????? Whiskey sours are fucking delicious, don’t be an amateur.

And then there’s Thanksgiving. You gotta DO THANKSGIVING. Gotta get a nice outfit. Gotta iron some bullshit. Gotta pretend like you like small talk. Gotta eat beets. BEETS! With people who don’t laugh at your jokes. With people who have serious, pinched little faces. Do you know how many times I say things out loud and I look around the room and see that one person looking at me like I am the idiot? Like, hey, Bob, get a personality, man. IT’S OKAY, I WON’T EAT YOU.

That’s not just on Thanksgiving. It’s all the time. People are getting weirder and weirder—or is it just me? Last week the town mayor texted me and asked me if I wanted to come help them decorate the town tree. I said sure, when? He said Monday at 3:15pm. So I texted him today and said, “Hey, you guys still decorating the tree at 3:15?” You know, just to confirm. And he replied:

“Yep, why???”

What do you mean “why?”

Why do you think I’m asking? Do people not understand how the English language works?

So I said, somewhat pointedly, “Because I thought you wanted my help?” Because that is why. And, he never replied.

SOMEBODY HOLD ME BACK.

Recently, I made this really funny campaign video to help the town park committee raise funds for a walking path. I’m not on the committee, mind you, but they asked me to help because they know I know how the internet works *flips hair* and they needed some extra crowdsourced funding, ASAP—as in, like, 4 weeks time. So, I spent a few days putting together this whole video campaign, making it hilarious, hoping to get locals to give us donations when we have nothing to give them in return. So then, after I make this video, and I make a donation page, and I design a logo, and I get it all set up with Stripe, and I get all the QR codes and the text message campaign and everything all ready, I send it over to the committee. And you know how long I waited for a response? Ten days. Like, no one could acknowledge this effort, after coming to me asking me to please, save this project, on an expedited timeline.

That’s weird, right? People are weird.

But you know who’s not weird?

The person writing the newsletter that you love. That one fucker on the internet that you stumbled across, that you think is FANTASTIC, that you totally vibe with, who says all the things you wish you could say, and all the things you totally think, and you two would totally be BEST FRIENDS FOREVER in real life.

You know that person?

They are YOUR PEOPLE.

And, this is why we write newsletters: because writing helps us see one another.

As you know if you have been reading mine for longer than 4 minutes, I am THE NEWSLETTER MAFIA. By which I mean: huge fan, ride or die, newsletters fo’ life.

I’ve been writing this one since 2009.
My first paid newsletter was in 2011.
I’ve made millions of dollars with my creative work selling it exclusively through my newsletter. (No ads, no social campaigns, just my newsletter.)
I’ve given tons of classes on newsletter writing, newsletter strategy, newsletter tech.
I’ve written newsletters for other people.
I’ve written newsletters for the freakin’ Boston Globe, back in the day, when one of my first clients was a newsletter agency.
I used to work at Aweber, which is a newsletter platform.
I’ve tried every platform out there: Active Campaign, Keap (formerly InfusionSoft), Kit, Flodesk, Beehiiv, Substack, Mailchimp, MailerLite, the list goes on.

And, if you were to ask me what I would do if I had to start all over again with nothing?

I’d. Start. A. Newsletter.

They. Are. The. Most. Important. Thing. You. Could. Ever. Do. If. You. Want. To. Make. Money. And. Have. A. Freedom. Business.

I hate the phrase “freedom business.” But, that’s what we want, isn’t it? A business. That lets you make money. And be free.

Doesn’t matter who you are: realtor, designer, lawyer, photographer, writer, Etsy maker, illustrator—or a bigger company, like someone who sells boxes, or someone who manufactures vitamins, or someone who recruits engineers.

If you don’t have a newsletter, you are automatically viewed as the less desirable choice.

Why?

Because newsletters show us that you’re a real player. That you’re in this game. That you’re here to party. That you’re obsessed with what you do. That you’re the #1 choice. That you’re a real human, who would be GREAT to work with. That you know your stuff. That you’re a total genius. And, that you care enough to show up, week after week, and deliver.

Most people think this is a lot of work.

But you know what’s a lot of work?

Marketing and selling yourself without a newsletter.

Let’s take a fun-ass poll, shall we? If you’re someone who doesn’t have a newsletter yet, what’s been the thorn in your side? ⬇️ (No shame, I have thorns, too!)

Recently, I saw an interior designer on Instagram asking people if she REALLY needed a newsletter. She was doubtful. Couldn’t see how it would benefit her. But, she had heard that you need one.

I stopped dead in my tracks. You know what the first thing was that I thought?

“Wow, I can’t believe there are people out there who would even ask such a thing!”

Ah, the curse of knowledge, right?! When you know something so well, that you can’t see it from a novice’s perspective anymore, and you start to just assume that everyone knows what you do.

They do not. 😀

So, let me go ahead and answer that question: yes, hell yes, you need a newsletter—even if your work is primarily visual based, and even if you’re all over Instagram, and even if you’re a magnificent lesbian unicorn.

Three reasons:

1. THIS DONKEY-NUTS STATISTIC: Only 3.5% of your Instagram followers will actually see your post. THAT IS AWFUL. That means that for every 1,000 people who follow you? Only 35 will actually see your post. But if you think that’s bad? When you post on Facebook, only 1.65% of your audience will see your post. Contrast that with email: my average open rate for my newsletter right now is 47.42%. That’s pretty awesome. That means that everytime I send something out? Approximately 50% of my audience sees it—and I don’t need to pay for ads to make that happen (like social wants you to do). Because I own my distribution. But when you build on a social app? The social app owns your distribution. And, you gotta pay them to reach your audience. That’s the business of social media. It is not free, it is only free to sign up.
2. Email converts like a horny penguin in mating season; Instagram does not. Social media is a vibe. Email is a *business*. Newsletters convert significantly higher than social media for sales, coaching clients,courses, memberships, buy-my-weird-town-merch, and literally anything else you want humans to do. Instagram is excellent for awareness. Email is excellent for action. If you want ROI, revenue, and readers who actually buy things? Email wins by a landslide and doesn’t even break a nail doing it.
3. Newsletters build depth; Instagram builds content you forget.Your best ideas — the ones that change people, move people, make your readers mutter “holy shit she’s right” in the produce aisle — will never be fully seen on social. Social media demands short, shallow, quick, “don’t bore me, clown.” A newsletter lets you tell real stories, develop your voice, build emotional resonance, build loyalty, say something that actually matters, become memorable, build a movement, and build a real business.

Newsletters are life.

I don’t even know how I’d survive without one.

I’d be butt-naked in Alaska. That’s exactly what it would feel like: BEING BUTT-NAKED IN ALASKA.

(Omg, is it “butt naked” or “buck naked?!” I take it back: apparently I don’t know English, either. 🤣 Seems like “buck naked” is the OG, but that’s not half as funny, so onward we march!)

Anyway, I’m curious: tell me about your newsletter thoughts! What questions do you have about them? Are you thinking about starting one? Where are you getting stuck? What’s hard? What aren’t you sure of? What things are you debating?

Leave your Q in the comments, let’s discuss!

In the meantime, I hope you have a fantastic fucking Thanksgiving week, if you’re here in the U.S. - and a regular fucking fantastic week anywhere else!

Yours in beet-hatin’ hell,

Ash
Newsletter Mafia Head Honcho, Hahahahahaha