The Curmudgeon's Pros/Cons to Costa Rica

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New fun thing alert! 💥

I'm researching unspoken cultural "rules" around the world: the silent behavior codes, social etiquette, and microscopic nuances of daily life that aren't necessarily obvious to visitors.

I'll be writing about this with the hopes of giving travelers a richer, deeper, more meaningful "lens" through which to experience a place.

For example, in Costa Rica, it's customary for ticos to *always* close the bathroom door after they've exited. Rationale: keep the smells in. (And be polite.)

Most Americans who live in Costa Rica, however, always leave the door open. Rationale: to let it air out. 😂 (And make it obvious no one's in there.)

I've watched this same funny argument play out between Costa Rican/American couples COUNTLESS numbers of times. The American waits patiently to use the bathroom, not realizing that it's been vacant for an hour while pee's storming down their leg. Meanwhile, the tico thinks the American uncouth for doing such a thing as leaving the bathroom door open after using it, as if they've just shat in their hand and made a paper mache memorial out of it. (Which admittedly does sound rather American.)

And so, these are the types of REAL FUN MICROSCOPIC BEHAVIORS I'm hoping to uncover & highlight about different cultures around the world.

The weird. The fascinating. The funny. The observations about your own culture, or those you've made when spending long periods of time in a place.

So, wanna play?

Let's start in the most obvious place: the bathroom! 🚽 🧻

PROS + CONS OF LIVING IN: COSTA RICA 🇨🇷

In case we haven't been internet friends since 2009 (weird?!), I've had a home base in Costa Rica since 47,000 years ago—a cute little villa overlooking the ocean that is a pretty fine spot, despite wanting to tranquilize the neighbor's dog—which is absolutely a euphemism.

I want to do much worse things to that dog.

Anyway, I'm a real dislikeable pissbaby—I know. And, that's precisely why I also have no business being in a Central American rainforest. Do you know how weird it is to wear velvet here? To hide a stomach pooch here? To walk so much as five steps without chafing your legs??? Alas, you’ve got people walking around in sports bras like they’re actual deities—and, me? Well, call me when you can speak at a decibel higher than .0000004.

However, a decade ago I shacked up with The Tall Costa Rican (if you've read the book, you know!), and so the place has grown on me—sort of like the mold that grows at NASCAR speeds in the shower. I'm still trying to figure out how to outsmart the humidity—I hate humidity—but when I'm here, I use the downtime to do all the heavy-lifting of any projects I'm working on (that is, when the power cooperates).

One of the projects I started working on?

A website about living in Costa Rica.

Why?

Because I get asked questions about it alllllll the time.

And, since I'm not your typical Costa Rican transplant, I thought it might be fun to do a pros/cons list if you're a city-slicker curmudgeon like me who squirms at the idea of being around wholesome, shiny people all day who read your energy and do things to your chakras.

Allow me to introduce you to:

A City Slicker Curmudgeon's Pros & Cons to Living in Costa Rica

PROS

• Some of the most friendly people in the world.
  The difference is striking. Anytime we return to Costa Rica—especially if we're coming from Europe—I think to myself, "Wow, the people here are really so much nicer."
  
• You will feel like you belong, wherever you go.
  There's a strong sense of community, and it's not exclusionary. Visit a restaurant twice? They'll know your order and call you by name and give you a "mop," which is the closed-fist Costa Rican version of a high-five. Doesn't matter if you're a foreigner. Doesn't matter if you're old, young, straight, gay, unsure, vegan, meat-happy, into yoga or into booze. This, more than anything, is why I suspect so many people love Costa Rica...and keep coming back, year after year: you will mean something here.
  
• Lots of things are surprisingly faster and easier.
  It never fails to amaze me that I could have a nail in my tire and just pull up to a guy and get it fixed in five minutes flat, no problem. Or, that I can go over to the local clinic and just ask for whatever bloodwork I want, and have results in two hours. Or, that I can go over to the nursery, pick out a few shrubs, and then they'll plant them in a pot for me, with soil, and then send them right over to our place in a truck—no extra charge. Another fun one? Calling a taxi to pick up whatever you need: take-out, milk, condoms. Not kidding. You know the taxi drivers here, and you can call 'em for instant delivery. Not to mention, when we decided to package and sell coffee as an experiment, all it took to get it into the local market was a phone call. With business, there are far less barriers to entry—and far more opportunity, since the country could benefit from lots of things.
  
• So much fresh produce, fruits, vegetables.
  You literally haven't tasted a pineapple unless you've been to Costa Rica. We pick mangoes, and papayas, and bananas right off some trees outside—and our place is in town. 😂 Limes at the supermarket has just been brought in from the owner's farm. (And there are at least 3 variations.) You can go to the vanilla farm a few miles away and get fresh spices. The Friday market brings in all of the gorgeous produce from the farmers in the mountains, where it's cooler. Eggs are fresh. Lettuce is crisp. And, you never feel like you're guzzling pesticides.
  
• The birds! The birds!
  I know that become a bird watcher is a rite of passage into a senior living home, but oh my god. We own multiple pairs of binoculars because there are PRACTICALLY PTERODACTYLS FLYING AROUND OUTSIDE. There are pigeons that look like they got into a pot of turquoise eye shadow. Hummingbirds buzzing around in the upright position, making you somehow feel like there's hope in the world. And look, a Goldfinch! At least, that’s the kind of thing that someone who knows nothing about birds would say about a bright yellow bird, about as big—and as cute—as the hummingbird. Actually, maybe that’s a canary? I should probably look these things up. Then, just as I think I’m getting the grand bird buffet on my doorstep, the “papa de los tomates” flies by, which is one of my favorite Costa Rican sayings. Directly translated, it means “father of the tomatoes,” which is absolutely a future movie title, but it’s used to mean “head honcho; big daddy mack.” You’d say it when referring to, I dunno, Al Pacino in The Godfather. Or, like, Superman, since he seems to be el papa de los superheroes. And, you also say it when two Scarlet Macaws thunder by. Picture a colorful parrot, and then supersize it. These are the pterodactyls, because trust me when I say: when you hear one fly by, you think you're in goddamn Jurassic park. (They make the Toucans look like nobodies.)
  
• God, do I really need to bring up the ocean?
  I guess I need to bring up the ocean. It's a pretty big selling point, even though I am not a "beach person." I'm just not. Every time I go, I'm like, "oh yeah, I guess this is nice....I should do this more often." And then I do not do it more often, because #heat #humidity #sweat #sun. BUT HERE'S THE THING: the beaches here are the most unreal beaches, not because the water is crystal clear (it's not, it's more like a royal turquoise), but because of the environmental laws that have prevented construction on the beaches. Ergo, beaches are surrounded by rainforest, flora, fauna, mountains, and the collision of bright blue sky with dark green leaves is one of my favorite things. It's even better when you have a villa at the top of the hill, overlooking it all. The views here are some of the most stunning in the world.
  
• I should also mention the frigging animals.
  The fact is, no matter how many years you've been here, you never *don't* stop to watch a troop of monkeys swing by. Somehow, the magic in that never fades. There are three kinds of monkeys in Costa Rica, and sometimes you see all three in the same day. The best time to see 'em? What I call "The Witching Hour," right around 4:30pm: an hour before the sun sets. We often go for walks at that hour, (a) Because it's no longer blazing hot, and (b) It's The Witching Hour! Beyond monkeys, there are also tons of sloths hanging around—sometimes with their babies hanging onto 'em for dear life—and these are common to see, too.

CONS

• I spent $2,766.20 on import fees last year.
  Oh, you think I stop shopping online just because I happen to be in a Central American rainforest???? HA! When we're at the villa, we import a lot. It's not necessary by any means, but there are certain creature comforts I'm willing to pay good money for. For example, Our Place pans. And Ritual zero-proof gin alternative. And Rifle Paper Company fabrics that we take to the local seamstress and have her spin into a new chair. And don't forget the electric fireplace TV console I completely imported, despite weighing a ton, because I am a person who needs coziness (even though, god forbid, we'd never turn the heat on. 😂)
  
• Costa Rica lacks cosmopolitanism.
  This is my biggest gripe. I want to surround myself with writers, and thinkers, and do-ers, and this is not a place where people come to do things. They come to stop doing things. They come to take it easy, relax, enjoy "the pure life." I don't relate to most of the people who come here, and I've found it difficult to forge social ties that aren't centered around "let's go to the beach and have a beer." That said, Costa Rica is worldly, by which I mean the tourists that come are interesting people from all over the world. As a result, you find excellent hotels and restaurants with phenomenal menus and world-class experiences. That is sanity.
  
• Unless you're rappelling down a cliff, there's not much to do.
  It's an adventure-lovers paradise, but this means that the majority of activities are centered around ziplining, white-water rafting, waterfall-jumping, skydiving, ATV-riding, surfing, river bathing, etc. If you're a city person, you're going to get bored...quick. My saving grace has always been the fact that I'm a writer, and I work online: the combination of these two things gives me plenty to do, and keep myself perfectly happy and busy. In fact, one of the reasons I like Costa Rica is because I can come here and focus when I need to. But, other than that? Your options are: outdoor activities during the day, and going to eat at a restaurant at night. Period. (Unless you live in the capital, but most transplants do not, as it's an industrial, car-dependent city that lacks infrastructure and charm.)
  
• The humidity is for real.
  People in America's deep south think they know humidity? PLEASE. I'd bet my imported fireplace that Costa Rica will give 'em a nasty run for their money. You can't do your hair here, because the minute you step outside, you will be sweating. Which basically means you need to look like an unpolished beach rat every day of your life—a look I'm not exactly a fan of. Speaking of which...
  
• Dressing up is not a thing.
  This seems superficial. It is not. You don't realize how much of your identity is in your clothing; your ability to express yourself; to show off your personal style. That all goes out the door here, first and foremost, because your wardrobe is now limited to "things that I'm going to sweat the least in." Bye-bye blazers! Bye-bye jeans! Bye-bye booties! Bye-bye trench coats! You're stuck with the most basic of summer attire, which often means—ugh—flip flops and tee-shirts. 🤢 Secondly, you'd look like a real bozo wearing heels, so don't even think about that. There are no sidewalks, and you're walking on dirt paths, usually up the side of a mountain. Thirdly, in order to source cute new things in the first place, you either need to take a plane to get to the nearest mall, drive 3 hours, or import your clothes like I do. I suppose you save money this way, from having your access cut off, but unless you're already someone who lives in cut-offs and a tank top, prepare to feel like you have sawed off your own head once your identity goes into a blender and you wake up like it's Groundhog Day to put on another pair of sensible, breathable undies.
  

VERDICT

Yes, but come in sprints—and plan on having another place where you can regularly escape to.

I tend to travel in 3-month cycles: three months in Costa Rica, three months in Europe, three months in New England, etc. I've found that this pattern works well because it gives me the best of ALL worlds in a way that's sustainable and slow-paced and lovely and nourishing...without ever letting anything get stale.

Plus, I never get pushed over the edge to actually tranquilize the neighbor's dog—which should definitely go in the "good" column, and make me less of a dislikeable pissbaby. Am I going to heaven yet? Probably not, but I tell ya—sometimes when I watch those damn birds, even I find myself wondering if I'm already there.

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It's exhausting / draining / give me all the grilled cheese sandwiches to endlessly alternate between client calls, emails, project work, client calls, and, um, taxes <*insert weak laugh*>...before maaaybe having a minute to text back someone from three days ago and picking a wedgie before getting back at it. Honestly, it's enough to give anyone a full-blown SATANIC ATTACK. (That's a panic attack, plus Satan.)

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"THE GREAT SLOVENIA BOOT HUNT" 🥾
Or, What the Hell Am I Packing?

We're heading to Slovenia in a couple weeks (HAVE YOU SEEN LAKE BLED??? OR READ THE BOOK SLOVENOLOGY?!), so I've been on ~the hunt~ for some warm boots that won't leave me shivering or make me look like a moron. (Why is this easier said than done?)

(Yes, I need to import them to Costa Rica first. 🤣)

• These boots are absolutely f-ing preposterous—both in style and price—and yet, I think I might love them?! Knowing me, I'd just look like a frumpy little Southern Italian sausage with those on, though, so....
  
• This pair from Merrell is a bit less "doing drugs on the moon." And at a much less vomit-ey price point.
  
• This hoooreeeenndouusss pair needs to be discontinued immediately.)
  
• I have a pair of these sensational Ilse Jacobsens talls, but of course, they're in my storage unit in Philadelphia. 😤 (Then again, they're better for looking cute in the city than actual physical activity.)
  
• I really, really wanted to like the new "Travel Sneaker" from Hunter Boots, but...um....I don't.
  
• BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT THEY MADE A "KILLING EVE VILLANELLE CHASING BOOT?!" She wore these in the last two episodes. I am dying! Must own! (Plus, they're on massive sale right now. I might actually get the olive. Though, the short version might be easier for traveling though. Um, did I just find a boot?!)
  
• Ugh, these gems from L.L. Bean are actually stylish AND super duper lightweight and seems like they could be folded—perfect for travel—but I think my heart is set on the Hunters.
  

If you've got a great pair you love, hit reply & send me your recs!

In the meantime, enjoy your week and I'll write to you again soon, in all of my curmudgeon glory.

XOXO & VILLANELLE TEARS,

Ash Ambirge
Selfish Forever
Suspicious of Fish Since 1984

P.S. Did you see my book, The Middle Finger Project, featured in The New Yorker?! Oh yes, I am a woman of society now.