Dear World: The Internet Has Chlamydia Again

I’m Ash, and I’m a writer, traveler, nonconformist & nomad, and every week I’m sharing funny field notes from around the world. Currently, I’m in America writing about what it’s been like to return home to my small town, twenty years after living abroad.

People think that you need to write SeRiOuS stuff online in order to be taken seriously.

What a crock of armpits.

See that? I can write things like “what a crock of armpits” and have a thriving newsletter and online business because of it—not in spite of it. (Should “Crock of Armpits” be my next book title? At least maybe Amazon would let me buy advertising for that one. 🤣)

You know why everyone’s a bit fucky when it comes to “what to write?”

Because the internet is one big rager of a cesspool, and as a result?

We get confused between two very different things.

• Thing #1: Newsletter writing
• Thing #2: Content writing

We will leave obituary writing out of this, but only this one time.

(Though I do own the URL www.funnyobituaries.com. I know! I really do! What a sicko I am! But, how could you NOT buy that domain upon discovering it was available?!?! Anybody up for a gruesomely awesome side hustle, perfect in time for Halloween? 🎃 👻) (We might really have to.) (Cue: me, putting together a task force and launching the world’s most ridiculous pop-up writing studio.)

ANYWAY, here’s what’s got everybody all fidgety about writing online:

[[[ The idea that you’ve got to tell people how to do things. ]]]

Think:

• How to Take a Selfie That Doesn’t Look Like You’ve Been Trapped in a Basement Since 2004
• How to Market Yourself Without Feeling Like You’re in a Pyramid Scheme
• How to Find Your Signature Scent Without Smelling Like a Discount Wizard
• How to Order at a Restaurant Like You’ve Been Somewhere Before
• How to Build a Website Without Punching a Plugin in the Face

Okay, I mean, TECHNICALLY I WOULD READ THOSE. 🤣

But that’s just because we made them sound so fun.

However, am I right in thinking that you *dread* the whole “how-to article-from-hell” menagerie?

It’s because that doesn’t feel like writing, that feels like assembling IKEA furniture. You’re not expressing yourself, you’re just over here twisting an Allen key. It’s writing without joy. Like someone handed you a prompt titled “How to Increase Synergy in Q4” and you aged 14 years on the spot.

Real writing? Real writing feels like laughing. It’s spontaneous, it’s messy, it’s funny, it’s a little unhinged.

And that’s what people want to read.

Real people.

Us kind of people.

You know, the awesome kind. 😁

But: a lot of us still have this mental block that we’ve got to write “helpful” articles that “teach” something and “provide value.” Do you know where that came from?

The year 2011.

OHHHHH, the year 2011.

I was there.

It was moldy.

This is when Google rolled out the Panda (2011) and Penguin (2012) updates, punishing keyword stuffing and rewarding ‘quality writing.’

(Remember keyword stuffing? When splashing the words “discount vasectomy reversal Sacramento California” all over your website was THE SEO STRATEGY? It still is some people’s strategy, unfortunately. 😬 But back in 2011, Google decided to put a stop to it, and started ranking you based on the quality of your writing, not just how many times you could say “uncle” in one post.)

This is when—wait for it!!!!!—“content marketing” became A THING.

This is when “how-to” posts became formulaic, optimized, and dead inside. Everything had H2s, backlinks, and no personality. Because, we weren’t writing for humans: we were writing for Google.

And “how-to” was the easiest way to write something “quality” that had “authority.”

Today?

It’s the leftover STD spores of the internet world. We still think we need to write “how-to” posts in order to get visibility online.

Today, everyone’s got “content,” but very few have voice. There’s a difference between people who write like humans and people who write like haunted spreadsheets.

But, writing with a real, original voice isn’t just nice for your brand—it’s going to be the only way to survive the next evolution of the internet. (CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC.)

A few ideas worth considering:

1. The Internet Is Now an AI Dumpster Fire 🔥 Once upon a time, Google rewarded anyone who could string together “10 Best Tips for Productivity.” Now, that exact phrase has been written 4.8 million times—and we’ve hit peak sameness. Every site looks the same, every post reads the same, and every brand sounds like it hired the same intern named Chad. So what cuts through now? Voice. Personality. Humanity. The more generic the internet gets, the more valuable it becomes to sound unmistakably you.

2. Google Is Literally Rewarding Originality Now 🧠 Google’s recent “Helpful Content” and “EEAT” (Experience, Expertise, Authoritativeness, Trustworthiness) updates explicitly favor content written by real humans with real opinions. After decades of “10 Best Ways to Optimize Your Funnel” slop, they’re rewarding writing that feels lived-in, human, and original. That means:

   • First-person storytelling matters. (Hi! This means that you writing about your experience renovating an 1800s farmhouse will rank higher than someone writing generic “best practices for renovating an 1800s farmhouse.”)

   • Distinct perspectives rank higher. (See? Remember what I told you? Your job is to make 50% of the population disagree with you. That is how you know you’re being honest.)

   • Repetition and regurgitation get penalized. (So, the more stories you’ve got to tell, the better! We love you! We want to hear about your life!)

3. Voice Is the New SEO💡 Anyone can write. But only you can write with your brain, your jokes, your weird metaphors, your tragic backstory about the door guy and the $24K Andersen quote. Voice builds trust because it shows there’s a mind behind the words. People don’t share “content”—they share connection. They share the post that made them laugh-snort or feel seen. Because when your writing sounds like you, it stops being marketing—and starts being magnetic.

4. Personality Is the New Marketing Moat 💸 AI can write for you. But it can’t write as you. That distinction is your moat, your differentiator, and your entire business advantage moving forward. In a world where everyone can make something in 60 seconds, the only sustainable edge is being the kind of person whose work couldn’t have been made by anyone else. When people say, “This sounds like Ash Ambirge,”—that’s branding. That’s longevity.

5. The Future Belongs to Writers Who Make You Feel Something 🦄 The algorithm might get you clicks, but voice gets you loyalty. And loyalty is what converts—into readers, customers, clients, and die-hard fans who’d join your newsletter just to see what you’ll say next. The future of the internet will belong to those who can ~write~. Because no matter how advanced AI gets, people will always crave a heartbeat in the chaos—someone who can make them laugh, think, and feel like they’re not the only weirdo online.

Which brings us to newsletter writing.

Different from ~content writing.~

Here lies the shift. *insert crowbar* (Ohhhhh, look at that timing!)

You no longer have to write like you’re auditioning for a content writing job at a pharmaceutical company with a woman named Becky with really long fake maroon-colored nails and zero sense of humor. (Why do the mean women always like the color maroon?)

You can write like a person again. Use the weird words. Say “crock of armpits.” Tell the funny story. Break the fourth wall. Have a GOOD TIME with it, for christ sake. That’s the future of writing online: not “content creators,” but “conversation creators.”

(Doesn’t the idea of starting a conversation feel so much more refreshing???)

Because when you’re writing a newsletter, you’re not trying to win Google’s affection. You’re trying to win someone’s attention. You’re not optimizing for bots—you’re optimizing for humans with snacks.

Newsletter writing is the place where your sentences can actually breathe again. You can use swear words, weird metaphors, run-on sentences, and asides that sound like you’re whispering over wine. You can write something honest and messy and delightful—and instead of getting penalized for it, people subscribe to it.

This is the moment we all secretly wanted the internet to become: not a content farm, but a human farm. (That sounded creepier than intended, but you get it.)

A newsletter is where you get to have a point of view. You get to say something real. You get to be funny, irreverent, heartfelt, unhinged, generous, and specific—all in the same breath.

And you know what’s wild? That’s the new SEO. Not in the keyword sense, but in the findability sense. The more you sound like yourself, the easier it is for the right people to find you—and stay.

Because the newsletter isn’t “content.” It’s correspondence. It’s connection. It’s an ongoing relationship between you and every person who’s chosen to invite you into their inbox.

You’re not feeding the algorithm anymore. You’re feeding curiosity. You’re feeding culture. Because if you want to stand out online today, you don’t need another funnel, or a 57-part “content calendar system” that makes you want to fake your own death. You need a pulse.

That’s the last frontier. The final unsellable fucking asset. The only thing they can’t copy, scrape, or “train into a model.”

Everyone’s out there chasing “visibility,” when they should be chasing vibe. Because you can post all the optimized “How to Increase Productivity Using This One Weird Spreadsheet” crap you want—but if you don’t sound like anyone in particular, you’ll blend right in with the noise.

Meanwhile, the person with the unfiltered story, the twisted metaphor, and the gall to sound alive? That’s who wins the internet now.

And, I’m not sure I would want to read anybody else.

Come Take My New, Sensational, Fun, Wonderful Writing Workshop, / Crowbar / (!)

How to Write Online with Spunk, Guts & Gravitas—And Finally Show the **** UP (So You Can Stop Settling and Start Doing What You Were Meant To Do)

A Fearless Writing Workshop for Internet People, Marketers, Newsletterists, and Brands Who Want to (Finally) Show Up Online and Share Their Ideas in a Big, Bold, Brave New Way

P.S. I totally met with a NEW “Door Guy” last night. Oh yes, that’s right. His name is Joe. And Joe? Is going to be A TOTAL LIFE SAVER. More on him on Friday!