Fear, Exposed – Featuring Polly Davies

Good morning, everyone!  Here’s to another fantastic Tuesday, and week NUMBER 4 of the Fear, Exposed series! In case you’re just hopping on board, Fear, Exposed is a series that features REAL people discussing their obstacles, challenges and fears with regards to living life on their own terms, and how they’ve overcome them (or are still in the process of doing so.)  The series runs every Tuesday, and I’ve been so incredibly pleased with the outcome thus far.  (If you’re digging it, too, I’d love to know in the comments!)

To read past features, click here.

And now, I’m ever-so-pleased to present the lovely Polly Davies.  Polly is a full time artist, blogger and homeschooling mama.  She’s on a mission to stamp out her fear and live the life she dreams of.  She will soon have a new website up and running; until then, you can find her on Facebook, Twitter or her blog, Pixie Mama.

 

“In spite of your fear, do what you have to do.”
Chin-Ning Chu

Fear has been my constant companion for most of my life. Walking beside me, keeping me small, stopping from living the life I want, preventing me from following my dreams. In 6 months time I will turn 30, and I’ve finally accepted that I have allowed fear to rule my life for far too long. I have wasted so much time. The last 6 months I have spent fighting back against fear, striving to gain control of my life, and to create the life that I want.

I have a lifelong history of depression, abuse, eating disorders, self harm dating back to when I was just a child. From the beginning fear has ruled my life. I didn’t know how to live without it. As a child I felt as though I was trapped inside a bubble, looking out at the rest of the world living their life. I never dreamt of a future because I couldn’t imagine that I would have one. By the time I was in my teens I was consumed by fear.

It was constantly whispering to me:

“you’re not pretty enough”

“you’re not good enough”

“nothing you do matters”

“ Everyone else is better than you”

“No one likes you anyway”

I was trapped in my world, to afraid to fight back and break the cycle. I dropped out of school despite having received top grades in my GCSE’s because I was afraid I wouldn’t be good enough to carry on.

Every now and then, I would gather myself enough to be able to stand my ground a little. I went back to college when I was 20, and for a few months, I thought that I was gaining ground and beating the fears. But then life threw another obstacle at me and I fell to pieces again. Failing again, with everything in my life backing up what I’d always known:   That I would never be free of my fear.

I took an overdose.

Thankfully a friend found me in time and I’m still here to tell the tale. Up and down I went over the next few years. For a month or two I’d be strong enough to fight and try and make a life for myself, but then they were always followed by the months when I was too frail and hopeless to even try.

I married and had three children during this period. Their very existence was the only reason I carried on; without their existence I wouldn’t have tried at all. By the beginning of this year, things had gone from bad to worse. I was hovering somewhere near rock-bottom. Fear had taken over again. I felt inferior to everyone around me, I couldn’t see how I could ever change anything or ever live a ‘normal’ life.

I was full of self-pity, aware that life was passing me by, yet unable or unwilling to do anything about it. It began to dawn on me that the only person who could change any of this was ME. I’ve spent years searching for somebody else who would wave their magic wand and make everything better.

Around this time, an acquaintance of mine noticed how I was feeling and reached out to me. For the first time, I told someone the truth…every single bit. Everything that had happened in my life–the way that I felt, and the thoughts that I had I’ve spent a lifetime hiding my feelings. Putting on an act to convince everybody that all was fine.

I built a world around this fake persona, pushing people away if they came too close to finding out that I was, in fact, a total wreck.

But somewhere deep inside, I knew that I couldn’t go on that way, and that opening up was the first step. In doing this I opened the flood gates that had been shut tight for many years. It all came gushing out, all the feelings and emotions, the memories I’d tried to erase.

Having another person’s perspective on things helped me to see things more clearly. For one, I began to realize that everyone has fears. Some people let fear rule their life, others go out and succeed in spite of their fears. I am not the only victim of abuse, I am not the only person in the world who has been let down.

I knew that by sitting back and doing nothing I was feeding my fears and allowing them to grow ever stronger. Staying home, where I felt ‘safe’ allowed my fears to be real. The fear that people would laugh at me, or I would say something stupid. Home alone, my mind worked over time, imagining all the things that could go wrong, giving fear the chance to convince me that I shouldn’t venture out into the world. I could easily spend the rest of my life doing nothing, not pursuing my dreams, feeling sorry for myself, wishing things were different OR I could stand up and fight.

I chose to fight.

I have spent almost 30 years living in the shadow of fear. I have missed out on so much. I turned down a place at drama school, giving up my dream of being an actress because I was too afraid. I’ve pushed away and lost many friends, because I was too afraid too let them see me.

Now I am fighting hard. My fears are still here, but I am learning to ignore them, to do what they tell me not to. To follow my heart. To face my fears and go out and live my best life. Be true to myself.

I am an artist–that is something that, in the past, fear would have stopped me from declaring. I’m painting and creating, and putting my work out there for others to see. I’m in the process of setting up an online shop to showcase/sell my art. I’m still scared that I’m not really an artist, that my work isn’t as good as others. But I’m feeling the fear and doing it anyway! Painting is my therapy, a way to express myself.  I can get lost in it and escape fears voice for a while.

There is no single thing that will stop fear from ruling your life. Fear will always be present in our lives. Try and remember that it can be a useful emotion, too – without fear we would never challenge ourselves to do better.

The key points from my fight with fear are:

• Let go of the past. You cannot change what has been, but you can learn from it. It is easy to cling onto what you know. But in order to move on and leave fear behind, you have to take the lessons you need from your history and release the rest. Stand strong and learn from your mistakes, from all those times that you allowed fear to be in charge. Forgive and forget; harboring anger will do nothing more than hold you back. Be aware of how fear has affected you and determine that you will not let it any more. Write down your history if it helps to see the times you gave in to fear and write what you will do in the future to fight.
• Open up. One of the most important steps for me was confessing all to someone else. Fear thrives on solitude, on being the sole voice talking to you. By talking about your fears, they start to lose power. Realising that everyone has fears about something can help put everything into perspective. You are not alone in being afraid. Don’t worry about what others will think; find someone who is worthy of your trust and tell them all. Talk it all out, and admit your fears.
• Help yourself. I’ve reached out to others and asked for help, only to realise that the only person who can truly help change my situation is MYSELF. Part of being dominated by fear, is that there is also the fear of change. The fear of the unknown can put anyone off trying to change there life. Fear can become a safety net, an excuse for not doing anything. Allow time alone, time to write or paint or think or just be. Become aware of yourself, of who you really are, what you think, what you feel. Turn your self-pity into compassion, and then into love. Love for yourself, and love for living. Separate the lies from the truth, and become aware of just how powerful you can be.
• Dream big. As I was starting out on my fight against fear, I began to allow myself to dream. Big dreams, of all the things that I would like to achieve in my life. I made a list of all that I want to do, many things that scare the daylights out of me. By writing them down and making it real, you’re sending out a message to your fears that they’re time is up….. Make a list of what you want to achieve an start taking baby steps to make it happen, one thing at a time. Each time you get to tick an item off your list, and realise that you have kicked another fear to the ground, you will feel amazing! And by the time you reach the end of the list you’ll be flying high.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

Frank Herbert Dune – Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

Remember that it is YOU who holds the key to changing your life. One thing that helped me is to read, read, read–everything I could get my hands on, from self-help books to websites like this. Take the most relevant parts from everything and create your own self-help guide. Bombard your brain with positivity and allow it to sink in. Reach out to others, make those connections, and refuse to be defined by your fears.

Never.

Stop.

Fighting.

Live the life you want.

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Tags: beat depression, conquering fear, fear, gaining the confidence to overcome fear, I just love these tags!, lifeobstacles, lifestyle design, overcoming life's challenges, overdose, personal development, polly davies, themiddlefingerproject, Ze Fear Exposed Guest Post Series