Dear World: I Bought This House and Then Had a Stroke

I’m Ash, and I’m a writer, traveler, nonconformist & nomad, and every week I’m sharing funny field notes from around the world. Currently, I’m in America writing about what it’s been like to return home to my small town, twenty years after living abroad.

Do you know how expensive pooping is?

I know, very academic. But, hear me out: I just got my first sewer bill for my new country house, and do you know what they’re charging me?

$500 a quarter.

That’s $2,000 a year.

WHAT IN THE VODKA?????

That doesn’t even include water, because I have private well water here on this mighty land full of deer ticks and other fun-filled parasitic arachnids. YES, THAT IS RIGHT. I, Ash Ambirge, am now the proud owner of a 200-foot-long pipe that brings me water on demand. How fancy! Shall I pour you a glass of artesanal water from deep in the earth’s crust??? There’s definitely a severed head from the 1800s floating around down there somewhere, but lemme tell you: it’s some of the best water I’ve ever had.

But, still! That doesn’t make up for my $2,000 a year sewer bill. Did you know being an adult was that expensive? I mean, to be fair, they’re charging me for two houses because they’re counting my little cottage as a whole separate house, but good lord: who knew that going to the bathroom would cost the same as a Caribbean cruise??? Plane tickets to Ireland??? A SELF-PROPELLING JOHN DEER SNOW BLOWER???

I tell you what: I am learning so much.

Alas, that’s not all! There are at least 472 other thrilling hidden costs involved with home ownership.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY NEW BILLS.

1. The Sweet, Sweet Sewer Bill
   We already know this one: voiding your bowels is the equivalent of purchasing a small Clydesdale.
2. Property Taxes & Homeowner’s Insurance
   These get rolled up into my monthly mortgage payments and—ready for it???—costs $600 a month, or $7,200 a year. That’s another huge expense renters don’t have. So, if you’re being all cute and dividing up the cost of the house and thinking your mortgage will be, like, manageable? Don’t forget this part. This is a real punch in the balls.

Mortgage Loan Fuckery
THIS IS THE MOST SHOCKING THING YOU WILL READ ALL DAY.

Out of my $2,698 monthly mortgage payment, $1,894.06 is interest (!!!)….and only $244.56 is principal. 😲 DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS????????? It means that over the course of 30 years, that $300,000 you financed from the bank? Actually will cost you $801,611.89. That’s literally what my literal loan schedule says: that the bank will make $486,821.89 in interest over 30 years if I pay the standard monthly mortgage. THIS IS CRIMINAL. And, this is why I like using the bank’s money to reach my short-term goals, but I also know that, in order to make this work in my favor, I need to be able to pay double every month (or more). That comes out to $5,390/month. If you can do that, then the outcome changes dramatically: instead of 30 years and paying a murderous $801,611.89 (with $486,821.89 of it being a finance charge to the bank 😵), you’ll have it paid off in 6 years, 11 months—and have spent $399,000 total—with only $85,516 going to the bank in interest. That’s still a lot of money, but it’s a much more reasonable cost of business if you’re considering your purchase an investment. But, that’s bananas, right? Most people don’t realize how much it costs to borrow money, even when investing in assets with traditionally “low” interest rates.

Did you vom yet????

Isn’t life horrifying???

I was just watching the news and they said that gas costs $8/gallon in California right now.

My girlfriend, M, lives in San Diego. She just sent me a home she was looking at—one of the most reasonable ones in the area—for a list price of $649,000. That buys you 1,300 square feet of living space on a 5,000 sqft lot.

Her salary reflects the cost of living there, but I can’t help but think about how the value of money really is relative.

On the surface, a six-figure+ salary sounds dreamy—it’s everyone’s goal. But, what does it cost to make it?

Here in the Pennsylvania countryside, where I’ve just purchased this farmhouse property on 5 acres, the salaries are much lower, but so is the cost of living. Yesterday, I ordered a sheet pizza and around 10 beers for friends. The total? $38.

(For context, I remember when I lived in Philly, I couldn’t leave the house without spending $100 for two people. Cities like New York and London are higher even.)

What’s interesting, however, is that I don’t earn in local wages—I work online, and therefore I’m able to earn San Diego wages+, while spending significantly less—which makes my earning power go up even more.

What I’m saying here is: Money is relative. Cost of living is relative. And, I’m convinced that one of the keys to happiness is not in making money—it’s deciding how to best use it.

$30,000 can bring just as much joy as $300,000, if you know what matters to you.

Most people can’t answer that question. Most people make decisions based on their ego, rather than their happiness. I’m talking the desirable zip code, the big house, the nice car, the designer clothes. Those things are nice, but are they worth the cost of your life???

What does it really cost you to make that money?

Is it your time?

Your spirit?

Your freedom?

Your mood?

Your happiness?

The thrill of living a life you are excited by?

Maybe instead of simply making a ‘six-figure salary,’ the goal should be ‘make a six-figure life.’

What things would make your days feel rich?

And, how can you spend the money you do have, accordingly?

Maybe you might decide that spending $801,611.89 to buy a house isn’t actually a good investment for your goals, after all.

And maybe you might decide that a different path is a better use of your time and money.

Because sometimes?

A higher quality of life isn’t about a higher salary.

Sometimes, it’s about making the kinds of decisions that make you feel alive.