Memorable as a Rice Cake = Broke Cakes

This is 🚨 CODE RED 🚨. It’s DEAD VOICE CLUB TUESDAY. 💀

Recommended safety gear: mouthguard, burner phone, fresh Gmail alias.

Attention: Founders, creators, and marketers whose personality has flatlined.

Intervention is free. Being boring is costing you millions.

Ash's case notes for this week.

Hi, it's Ash—and welcome to our first issue of the Dead Voice Club newsletter!

I'm pumpppppped about having a space to chat all things creative marketing, sales, money, culture, and internet publishing—in the most FUN way on the internet—because you know me, and you know my mantra:

Being boring is costing you millions. 💰

And, this year is the year we use our voice to build assets and build products and build wealth. Because, in a world where there's not a lot you can control? Particularly right now???

The one thing you can control is what you create.

And, you can control how you show up in the world, and with what kind of electric charge ⚡️, and with what kind of voice, and with what kind of ambition.

We are not going to be victims this year. We are going to be fighters. And we are going to fight in the way we best personally can: by building more good and bringing it into the world with your newsletters, with your websites, with your digital products, with your books, with your ideas, with your businesses, and with your guts.

I'm here to help you do that with joy, laughter, fun, and smarts.

Welcome to Dead Voice Club. Our new Tuesday hang. For rebellious founders, marketers, and creatives who want to make things better—

—come hell or high water
(longboats pending 🛶 )

Pronounced "boring" at the scene. 💀

Okay so you know the kinds of business names that are super duper cringey and you may even have one of these bad boys yourself?!

Like, you couldn't come up with a good one (it's hard!) so it ended up being "Smith Solutions," or some other embarrassing thing—almost as bad as the one time you got pants'd at the skating rink??? 🛼

(Picture it: 1997. My shorts were red. They were absolutely mesh. I was thirteen. The culprit was my best friend. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RINK, MY BARE NAKED BUTT ON DISPLAY.)

Naming your company something like "Smith Solutions" *is* like pants-ing your own business. Or at least trying to embarrass it on purpose. I want to take ALL of the Smith Solutions in the world and put 'em all into a giant hot tub together and give everybody a talk:

I KNOW I AM RIGHT ABOUT THIS. I'm still not sure if I'm right about which way the toilet paper roll goes—(over, obviously)—but I do know I'm right about this. Just think about the last time you had to buy anything on Amazon. (If you're still a consumerist monster like me who needs things delivered to the country, I AM SORRY, EVERYONE.)

Did you buy the bird camera called "HIXX?" Or did you buy the one called "Bird Buddy?"

I mean, aside from the fact that these things cost about the same as a used Vespa????????? Or at least a very wealthy British barrister's wig. I always felt like those things would be expensive. You know, the ones they wear in court? Made out of horsehair?

Omg, I take it back. Just looked up "British barrister's wig," and this one is £2,500. 😵😵😵

Well, look at that. There really is a job for anyone. If you ever were looking for a career change...........................MIGHT I SUGGEST THIS FINE INDUSTRY???

Anyway, so the other day I have the TV on in the background like the millennial toe fungus I am, and I see a commercial for one of these "Smith Solutions" type companies. And, it KILLED me.

Granted, it was for a company in everyone's favorite industry ever: ———dun, dun, dunnnnnnnn——— insurance. 👨🏻‍💼

But, believe it or not, I actually ✨ liked the commercial ✨. The commercial was mocking the weird, needy, ever-present cartoon-ey mascots that so many insurance companies now use. And how, every time you try to get a quote, YOU ARE HARASSED TO THE LAST INCH OF YOUR LIFE BY PHONE, EMAIL, AND TEXTS BY A GIANT WALKING, TALKING DODO BIRD WITH UNLIMITED TALK TIME.

Which clearly made me laugh, because we've all been there. 🤣 So, connection established! You're seeing me, man!

Here's one of their ads:

So at the end, they're all like, "We don't do jingles or mascots. Just great insurance."

WHICH I LOVE. GREAT MARKET DIFFERENTIATOR. WE CAN SEE YOU THROUGH THE MUCK.

But then—thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn—the moment came at the end of the commercial where they popped up their logo and name of their company.

It was this:

And I wanted to stab the table.

"NJM???????"

"NNNNNNNNNN?????????
JJJJJJJJJJJJJJ???????????
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM????????"

I said it out loud as if I were offended, because I was. They went to SO MUCH WORK to be memorable and interesting, only to let me down right at the end, ahem.

I wish I could tell you that "NJM" actually stood for "no jingles or mascots," but even that isn't true. It stands for "New Jersey Manufacturers Insurance," which is about as sexy as a swivel chair with a bad wheel.

Do you know how many times I've tried to remember this company's name, and I could not? All I could remember was "mascot haters"—which is precisely what I had to Google.

The problem with "NJM" isn't that it's boring. Insurance is boring. I get it.

The problem with "NJM" is that:

• It's as memorable as a rice cake
• It doesn't make me want to be part of the club
• You lose trust points in a modern economy when a consumer senses that you haven't kept up with modern branding (because what else about working with your company is outdated, then??? Presumably the website, the user experience, the policies...)
• A name that feels human, simple, and easy to say or picture get trusted more and are associated with higher quality (science)
• And, they're also going to help customers feel something—which makes a WAY stronger connection, hands down

The research is clear: snappy, simple, human, lovable names—like "Bird Buddy"—will always outperform companies with dull, stodgy, outdated, creative-less names.

And a big part of that is simply how humans operate:

Which feels more like you?
What feels more like your personality?
Which name makes you feel creative and cool and smart and in-the-know?

A lot of factors go into selling, but nothing more strongly than how the person feels buying.

Here’s what pays for the lights while we commit these crimes. 🪦

While things like Substack (I have one!) are great for blogging, Kit is the only newsletter tool I use for serious business building.

If you want to run a legit online business, you'll need:

• A serious email list, non-negotiable, that works
• A way to send out emails to thousands of people with one click (Substack lets people opt-out of email and only get notifications in the app, which is inevitably going to become more and more common as the app gets saturated - so I'm not going to bank my whole business on it when I know the importance of email)(yes, this sucks)
• Emails that actually *get to them* and *not to spam* (when your emails go to spam, it's like doing a ton of work and then just burning it in the air and going "WHEEEEE!")
• Automated email sequences that can sell your stuff on autopilot (Substack does not have this, and it's really important for creators who make things like digital products—not just paid newsletter subscriptions—and want to sell them intelligently, at scale)
• Automated tagging so anytime someone buys one of your products, you know who they are in the system (and can then hide or show the right promos, and treat VIPs as such)
• Built-in functionality for selling digital products, like eBooks and guides straight to your audience (do you know how hard it is to try and make Stripe work if you're not tech savvy???)
• And, the #1 reason I use them? I trust them with my business.

This email is coming to you through Kit. Because I use Kit. And have for years.

Highly recommend if you want to build an email list like a pro this year.

*Affiliate link

Discovered this amazing person online. They have a pulse! 🫀

Jenna writes THE CUTEST product descriptions for her hand-carved whales made out of driftwood, and I about lost my freakin' mind.

Have you ever wanted a whale figurine so much in your life?

I THINK NOT.

Evidence that the right creative packaging around *anything* can serve as a real money lever.

Because this isn't about being cute. This is about being rich.

Today's handbook for the dead 🌈

Jenna shows us above that sharp, personality-filled writing is ABSURDLY SPECIFIC.

The more absurdly specific, the more interesting.

Before

"Tom is a mission-driven founder passionate about building scalable, impactful products."

After

"Tom is a founder who’s passionate about building meaningful products and once spent three weeks debating button copy while wearing the same pair of Allbirds and drinking cold brew out of a mason jar he stole from a coworker."

Brains crave weird details.

In a fun plot twist, one of the best ways you can differentiate yourself?

Is by being your weird self.

Money, assets & getting paid. 💰

I'm excited about doing more self-publishing this year—not because I don't love the process of traditional publishing, but because I also love the process of online experimentation.

IT IS SO MUCH FUN TO MAKE THINGS AND SELL THEM ONLINE AND LET THAT BE YOUR AWESOME CAREER.

We need more people doing awesome things, and less people being scared to do awesome things. (Easier said than done, I know.)

Books are the ultimate awesome project. They're smart to work on, they're interesting to make, they're romantic to buy, and they let you use your voice to build your "estate," if you will (which yes, is located in The Cotswolds, looooolllllllll).

So, I'm going to be working on one this year and bringing you along with me for the ride. Words + commerce = things so good I can't type them without going to spam. Or hell. Probably both.

You (might) know I'm also working on a top-secret passion project: making a line of British-inspired floral wallpaper that looks normal (and fabulous!) from a distance, but when you get up close, has witty, sassy, smart lines and lyrics woven throughout the vines. This is just one more way you can take your words, and your voice, and use it to build products, and create wealth.

WE WILL BE GEEKING OUT IN THIS SECTION THIS YEAR, I CAN'T WAIT.

Totally dead over 🖤

• Phil Rosenthal's new book, Phil's Favorites. Because PHIL IS SUCH AN ADORABLE GOOFBALL AND HE IS ME AS A 66-YEAR-OLD JEWISH MAN. (You've seen Somebody Feed Phil, right?)
• My new Chase Sapphire Reserve credit card* for flying business class, free. I've already accumulated over 170,000 points without trying, which will get me 1-3 business class flights, just from putting my normal monthly expenses on there and paying it off at the end of month. (For context, a business class flight from New York to Dublin in June is ~$3K - $4K right now if I were to buy it with cash.) This is my first experience with Chase, but I actually liked their interface so much, I signed up for a checking account, too. Really excited to be spending the summer in Europe this year! (We're going to Italy for my bestie's 40th, as is now our tradition. Remember when we went to Iceland for mine? Still laughing over the cake to the face. 🧁) *This is my referral link
• I also can't stop painting the farmhouse in Parma Gray from Farrow & Ball. I'm annoyed that the name is "Parma Gray," because it's actually BLUE—but not like a "baby boy just pooped his pants" kind of blue, but rather "I'd like a whiskey in the drawing room, please" kind of blue.

Lots happening this week, including the start of "Dead Voice Rehab" inside of the Dead Voice Club School & Community.

Look for your private invite—it's coming soon. ✨

In the meantime, let's GO, GAME ON, it's 2026, we are DOING THIS THING OUR WAY.

See you next Tuesday!

Ash