Dear World: If You Need a Ballsy Brand Name, I Have Some Ballsy Advice

I’m Ash, and I’m a writer, traveler, nonconformist & nomad, and every week I’m sharing funny field notes from around the world. Currently, I’m in America writing about what it’s been like to return home to my small town, twenty years after living abroad.

You know what you desperately need in your life right now?!

a) A cheese slicer (I used one at a party this weekend, and HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT THESE THINGS EXISTED?!?!?! The perfect, creamy slice! Instant life hack! Never shall you know that I am notttttttt domesticccccc byyyy natureeeeeeeee, muahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!!!!!) (Also I am buying one of these for everyone I know this Christmas.)

c) And, a name that doesn't suck. As in, a brand name. A biz name. A company name. A newsletter name. A product name. A course name. A book…name. (“Title” ruines the alliteration. How dare they.)

I had my first three DELICIOUS “Christmas Consult Calls” yesterday (I opened up a couple more spots, FYI, in case you missed out), and a huge, huge common theme?

Naming. Your. Stuff. Something. Delicious.

Which is hard, because the minute you sit down to think about it, your brain can only seem to come up with the WORST, most cliché names—am I right?! Like “Captured Moments Photography.” Or “Creative Ink Studio.” Or “Inspired Interiors.” Or “Launch Lab Design.”

And you would rather walk into the ocean.

So you brainstorm for hourrrrrrssss and can’t seem to come up with anything good! Or modern! Or fresh! Or spunky! Or….not…freakin…taken.

The other day I had the TV on and this commercial came on for this furniture store and they SEEMED all hip and cool, except their name???

Was something like “JTX Furniture.”

“Hit us up at JTX Furniture!!!!”

And immediately I thought: Oh, they ruined it! RUINED ITTTTTTT. Those poor things! Because, no way is anyone going to hop right online to shop at a place called “JTX Furniture.” Not because we’re all superior furniture snobs. But because the brand name screams discount recliner warehouse next to an abandoned Sears.

Like their website absolutely still has a spinning 3D “ENTER SITE” button.

And it killed whatever cool thing they were going for. One second I’m vibing with the trendy jingle, and the next I’m like: “Oh. This is where my neighbor buys his La-Z-Boy.”

Brand. Dead. On arrival.

Anddddddddd, I hate to say it, but we do judge a book by its cover. And it IS important. Just think about the last time you searched Google Maps for some place to eat. Did you take a chance on “Nana’s Hot Plate & Vape?” Or did you go to the gastropub called “Copper & Ivy?”

Word. Choice. Can. Break. You.

Or, totally make you.

Because words have personalities, just like humans do. These words, for example, are Fun Drunk Aunt:

• Fizzy, Sassafras, Peaches, Velvetine, Shimmy, Smooch

Anddddd, these words are Cousin Accountant Who Smells Faintly of Toner:

• Carbonated, Shrub, Produce, Fabric, Shift, Interaction

You feel that difference, right?

The first are Mardi Gras. 🎊

The second are jury duty. 🧑🏻‍⚖️

Or, as I like to call it: unseasoned linguine energy. SO MANY WORDS HAVE UNSEASONED LINGUINE ENERGY. (Not that I haven’t been known to shovel forkfuls of cold, unseasoned, next-day linguine into my mouth. But there’s always salt. At least there’s salt!)

Soooooooo, if you are someone who’s stuck trying to figure out a name for *your thing* in time for 2026 (without having name shame for the rest of eternity, gahhhhhhhhhhhh!), here are a few creative naming tricks I like to use—with plenty of examples!

*P.S. Every name idea in this newsletter is my own original creation. If one of ‘em gives you heart palpitations and you want to use it, email me! 💛

Tips from Ash’s Desk on Naming Your Thing Something Fresh, Modern, Human, Alive & Driven by Heartbeats

1. Try thinking in STATEMENTS & SENTENCES.

   1. Betsy Loves Sammy (Boutique Hotel or Restaurant)

   2. Everything I Never Told You (Stationery Brand)

   3. Under the Bleachers (Coming of Age Podcast)

   4. She Quit Her Job on a Tuesday (Career Coaching)

   5. They Forgave Each Other at Dawn (Book Title)

   6. Text from a Friend (Communications Brand / Agency)

   7. Not Invited (Brand Auditing Consultancy)

   8. Everyone Knew By Monday (Gossip Column)

   9. Gravel in Your Knees (Adventure Sports Newsletter)

   10. Choose Chaos (Branding Studio)

2. Or, just one or two perfect words that evoke vintage nostalgia:

   1. Midnight Skate (Creative Agency)

   2. Dinner in Our Swimsuits (Party Planning Company)

   3. Lunchtray (Food Truck)

   4. Last Dance (Perfume Brand)

   5. Fourth Period (Test Prep Company)

   6. Back Forty (A creative agency for blue-collar brands)

   7. Good Popsicles (Food Newsletter)

   8. Neon Flicker (Creative agency)

   9. Highway Milkshake (Roadside Bar)

   10. Parade Day (PR Firm)

   11. Napkins (Diner)

   12. Morning Paper (Coffee Shop)

   13. Late August (Artist & Author Law Firm)

3. Or, try thinking in terms of physical actions you take every day:

   1. Force Quit (Productivity Podcast / Newsletter)

   2. Break Frame (Creative Agency / Film Studio)

   3. ALL CAPS (Creative Writing Agency)

   4. Shift + Enter (Writing Accelerator)

   5. Eat the Evidence (Comedy Podcast / Newsletter)

   6. Kill Process (Tech Newsletter)

   7. Ghost Everything (Psychology Podcast / Newsletter)

   8. Start Fights (Non-Profit)

   9. Burn the Ships (Entrepreneurial “No Going Back” Program)

   10. Kill the Feed (Social Media Detox Brand)

   11. Hard Exit (Career Coaching)

   12. Unfollow (Media Brand / Commentary Newsletter)

   13. Dead Sprint (Website Brand)

   14. Shove (Resume Writing Services)

   15. Claw Back (Business / Financial Coaching)

4. Alternatively, what about soft, familiar, relatable rituals + routines?

   1. Emails Before Breakfast (Corporate Culture Consultancy)

   2. First Snow (Divorce Mediation Firm)

   3. Last Bell (Funeral Planning Company)

   4. Morning Stretch (A UX Research Lab)

   5. Lunch Line (Restaurant Consultancy)

   6. After Dinner (Financial Planning & Wealth Management)

   7. Sunday Paper (Ghostwriting Studio)

   8. Laundry Day (A Reputation Management Firm - get it? we clean up your rep?)

   9. 4pm Reset (Midlife Career Change Coaching)

   10. Route Home (Boutique Immigration & Relocation Law Firm)

   11. Turn Signal (Communications Consultancy)

   12. Glovebox (Personal Safety & Emergency Readiness Company for Women)

   13. Suppertime (Town Revitalization Agency)

   14. Night Shift (Cybersecurity Firm)

5. And, how about objects with spirit & soul….that symbolize something?

   1. Polaroid (Brand Identity Agency)

   2. Chalkline (Corporate Forensics Agency)

   3. Rearview (Memoir Writing or Storytelling Studio)

   4. Breadbox (Career Incubator for Food Writers)

   5. Sawdust (A Recruiting Agency for the Trades)

   6. Pushpin (Trend Forecasting Company)

   7. Knapsack (Financial Planning Firm for Adventurous Women)

   8. Flagpole (Speechwriting Agency)

   9. Snowglobe (Conflict Mediation Agency)

   10. Nightstand (A Divorce and Estate Planning Firm)

   11. Paperclip (Systems and Workflow Consultancy)

   12. Corkboard (Early-Stage Startup Advisory Firm)

   13. Milkcrate (Grant-Writing Studio for Small Businesses)

   14. Screen Door (Family Therapy Brand)

   15. Marbles (Creative Mental Health Brand)

So, what do all these names have in common?

They’re alive.
They’re beating.
They’re human.
They’re real.

They aren’t “brand names.”
They’re miniature memoirs.
They’re emotional shortcuts.
They’re little slices of lived experience you can feel with your hands.

Because that’s what we actually remember: the human stuff. Not the corporate jargon. Not the acronyms. And definitely not “JTX Furniture.”

We remember the slam of a screen door.
The squeak of gym bleachers.
The sting of gravel in your knees after a fall.
The way your mom used to keep her wedding ring on the nightstand.
The way the Sunday paper smelled when your dad unfolded it across the whole table like he was the mayor.

Names with humanity hit differently.
They tell the world:
“This isn’t a corporation. This is a pulse.”

And the best part?
Once you start naming things this way…
You can’t stop.
Suddenly the whole world becomes a naming playground.
Your life becomes a moodboard.
Your memories become IP.
Your heartbreaks become LLCs.
Your weird childhood becomes a creative agency.
Your kitchen drawer becomes a product suite.

Because naming isn’t about words, it’s about emotion.
Recognition.
Familiarity.
Heartbeats.
Storytelling.
Identity.
It’s about choosing language people already love, and then attaching it to something new.

And that’s how you get a name people remember.
A name people repeat.
A name people want to buy from.

So if you’ve been struggling with naming your thing…

Stop trying to sound like a business.
Stop trying to sound important.
Stop trying to sound “professional.”
Stop trying to sound like everybody else on LinkedIn who uses the word “solutions” like it’s a condiment.

Instead:
Sound like a life.
Sound like a memory.
Sound like a feeling.
Sound like a tiny, perfect story you haven’t told yet.

That’s the name.
That’s the magic.
That’s the heartbeat.

Now go name something delicious — and if you need backup, add your name to THE INTEREST LIST and I’ll come up with a brand name FOR YOU. In the meantime, I’ll be in my kitchen slicing cheese like a woman reborn.