Confession: I Did Not Like Living in Costa Rica
It’s been 6 months since I left Costa Rica.
Six months since I decided that being in a place you love is as fundamental as oxygen.
I did not like living in Costa Rica.
And yet, I spent a very good portion of my life there, over the last eleven years, because we fight for people, not places. Places aren’t supposed to matter if you’re with the ones you love.
Right?
Where you are shapes who you are.
This is a fundamental truth I have learned. Place determines everything about you—and far more than we give credit.
- Place determines the kind of things you do on a Sunday. Whether you hike or bike or brunch or drink. (Or slash your neighbor’s tires.)
- Place determines your attitude toward the outdoors. Whether you want to be outside or would just as soon lock yourself in a closet.
- Place determines how social you are. Whether you actually like the kind of people around you and want to engage with them—or…not?
- Place determines the kinds of things you eat. Whether you’re spooning up a spinach and goat cheese salad, or swallowing down a bucket of hot wings.
- Place determines how enthusiastic you are. Whether you see progress all around you, or whether you’re depressed by a lack thereof.
- Place determines how well you take care of yourself. Is it easy to have good habits, or easy to have bad ones?
- Place determines the kind of work you do in the world. Are there people doing interesting things around you, or is there a lack of inspiration?
- Place determines how much belonging you feel. Are the people warm and welcoming and friendly, or are they closed off and withdrawn and distant?
- Place determines your daily norms. Do you walk to the bakery to get fresh bread each day, or do you bring a giant SUV to a supermarket and go straight to the frozen aisle?
- In short? Place determines your relationship with the world. Everything you do is a product of the place you live.
Yet, most of us don’t think of it that way. The place you are is usually considered mere background; a blank canvas backdrop; the empty stage on which we live our lives.
But, what if place were actually a main character?
What if the place you lived determined the person you are?
***
In Costa Rica, I did not want to:
- Go anywhere on a Sunday
- Hang out at the beach (ever)
- Socialize with people (I never felt I’d found kindred spirits who enjoy the same things I do)
- Eat healthy (because food & wine were two of my few joys)
- Get involved with the community
- Exercise anywhere outdoors (so oppressively muggy & humid)
- Be excited about the future of the town, the place, the region, and the opportunities
It wasn’t until earlier this year, did I decide that all of these things were no longer acceptable to me.
And, as my friend M says: I am allowed to have everything I want.
Even if it seems “selfish.” And even if I must make a drastic life change in order to honor myself.
***
The irony is, of course, that I can live & work from anywhere in the world. My work allows for that. I designed it that way. I became a writer and was an early pioneer in online business because it helped me live a better life. That was always the goal.
And, man am I humbled to say I’ve created a beautiful reality for myself. I’ve lived well. I’ve been fortunate to have gone all over the place. I do spend time in Europe each year. I’ve spent considerable time in South America. I visit New England each year. I’ve just gotten back from a trip to Vermont, in fact.
But, sporadic time spent in places you like is not enough to erase the harm of living in a place you don’t.
Because, that’s what being somewhere disagreeable actually is: a subtle, quiet harm. It hurts you when the place you live doesn’t align with your values. And, you know the biggest harm it causes?
A squashing of your potential.
Your spirit. Your spunk.
How much of what you become is because of where you are?
Turns out, a lot. At least, the economists at Harvard think so. They have a term called “outcome of exposure.” So very scientific!
I first read about it in Melody Warnick’s book, IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE—a book for people who work remotely to sort out where, when the options are limitless, you should live. (Highly, highly recommend.)
Here’s what she said:
[Outcome of exposure] is proof that the places we’re from, form us. They affect what we think about, what we’re interested in, what we see as possible for ourselves . . . Communities shape our opportunities. Where you grow up matters to the kind of work you end up doing, and so does where you live now. There’s a kind of alchemy that occurs when ambition meets a place equipped to properly nurture it.
If where you live is so important, then: how do you decide?
Warnick talks a lot about “place values.”
She lists a number in her book, and asks you to pick your top five. Here’s her list:
- Abundance
- Achievement
- Adventure
- Ambition
- Autonomy
- Balance
- Beauty
- Belonging
- Calmness
- Charity
- Civic engagement
- Collaboration
- Commitment
- Community
- Contribution
- Cooperation
- Creativity
- Culture
- Diversity
- Environment
- Excellence
- Fairness
- Faith
- Family
- Flexibility
- Friendship
- Fun
- Generosity
- Growth
- Happiness
- Health
- Independence
- Individuality
- Joy
- Kindness
- Leadership
- Learning
- Love
- Making a difference
- Motivation
- Open-mindedness
- Originality
- Peace
- Power
- Preparedness
- Purpose
- Recognition
- Relationships
- Security
- Self-control
- Service
- Simplicity
- Spirituality
- Stability
- Success
- Teamwork
- Tradition
- Vision
- Well-being
- Work
When I did this for myself, my top five ended up being: Beauty, Belonging, Culture, Kindness & Making a Difference. (But not, like, the annoying kind.)
Beauty comes from my obsession with historic architecture & quaint, charming, walkable towns. One of my favorites is Woodstock, Vermont (this is the third time I’ve been!). Another is Galena, Illinois: you can read my freak write-up on the town here.
Belonging is the thing I am always searching for, but have difficulty finding, since my people are internet people, LOL, and we’re all over the place. But, in general, I like to be surrounded by people who write, photograph, design, think, create, make, sell, and have interesting entrepreneurial ideas.
Culture is what I think of when I think of having access to great food, and fabulous culinary experiences, and creative activities and events, and memorable experiences. And then, of course, you have things like art, and fashion, and style—things that are often viewed as superficial, but how can self-expression actually be?
Kindness is a biggie for me: I am really turned on by friendly people. 😂 So much so, that I even drove across the midwest searching for America’s nicest people. That’s a long read, but it’s a good one if you, too, have wondered: where are all the good ones hiding out?! There is nothing worse than stepping into an elevator and feeling the tension there as everyone tries to look away. I hate that. I’m a huge fan of walking into a coffee shop and having an uber-friendly barista make my fucking morning. (Really enjoyed this one in Montpelier, Vermont, by the way.)
And finally, I chose Making a Difference because personally I’ve found that I’m really passionate about community development and “placemaking,” which is really the name for the field of study around how to create awesome places that people really want to live and work in. Isn’t that great? It’s a real thing you can do professionally. (This guy is a must-follow. I’m obsessed with his Twitter feed.)
In her book, Warnick then asks you to list out your absolute deal breakers, and do a few other exercises asking you to architect your perfect place, and actually write it out.
The end goal, of course, is trying like hell to align your personal values with the place you live.
She concludes:
If you’re smart about the place you live . . . your location can help you succeed. Make more money. Be more creative. Create valuable connections. Form a community. Achieve better work/life balance. Find more personal contentment. Make a meaningful impact. Build the kind of career you really want, and do your best work.
And, isn’t that what we all want?
***
Funny enough, Travel + Leisure just voted Costa Rica as their Destination of the Year 2024. Ah, life.
C used to say to me: “But, Ash, most people would kill to live here.”
He struggled to understand my lack of affection.
Tourists did too.
“Oh, to wake up everyday to this view!” I have heard this countless numbers of times. Because, yes, the views are astronomically stunning. The ocean, warm. The jungle, wild. The plants, art. Many, many people go to Costa Rica and never come home. Because for them, Costa Rica does align. There, they have found their people. Their lifestyle. Their weather. Their food. Their work. Their passion. Their place.
Which is all to say: it’s not about a place itself. It’s how you feel when you’re there.
Places are not objectively good, or objectively bad. Because, your experience of them will always be subjective, according to your personal interests, preferences, passions.
What do you like? What do you value? What feels most at home for you?
“Alchemy” really is the key word here.
If where you are shapes who you are, then maybe we owe it to ourselves to first consider who we want to become.
Maybe we really can be anything in this world.
Maybe we just need to find the right place to be it.
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Curious: where do you think you’d love to live, based on your top 5 values????? Any big place changes coming up for you in 2024? Would love to see yours in the comments!
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From Penguin Random House author Ash Ambirge · 25,000+ smart readers