Scraping by on the Fart Fumes of a Freelance Gig from Jean is NOT How You Do the Digital Nomad Life

Look.

I have neck wrinkles.

A squishy tummy.

Can NOT wear a crop top. (Whoever started that trend can get borked.)

And tiny little spider veins trying to slither up my ankles.

For all intents and purposes, if I tried to walk into a youth hostel right now at my age—good ol’ 38??? I’d be…okay, fine, I’D BE FINE. I AM GREAT AT PRETENDING I AM STILL YOUNG, EVEN WHEN I WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO SLEEP.

But, there’s a big, hairy chasm (not referring to my chin) between the old digital nomad—who I used to be—and the new digital nomad—who I’ve grown up to become.

Never before in the history of humans has OUR KIND existed—this grey-area adult digital nomad group of which I’m a member—because we are the first generation to (a) grow up with the internet; (b) use it to build our realities; (c) design our own jobs with it; (d) travel as a lifestyle; (e) and be doing it long enough to have accumulated wisdom, know-how, and real, tangible assets.

Even though I may look like a colossal turnip in a crop top, I ALSO have a lifetime of experience in engineering the adult version of this lifestyle to a T. (If only the term “lifestyle engineer” didn’t sound so moronic.)

Turns out, fifteen years of self-experiments have paid off.

And so, I’d like to introduce you to the new digital nomad: the one who lives and works from anywhere, and ALSO has a MF'ing picket fence (and probably a stash of vag cream) because we’re not interested in choice.

We’re interested in cake.

Having ours. And eating theirs, too.

Which is quickly spiraling into an out-of-control metaphor, but hey: you didn’t think you were going to get granny prayers here, did you?

The Old Digital Nomad vs The New Digital Nomad:
A SHOWDOWN OF CROP TOPS vs CASH CROPS

The Old Digital Nomad
Feels the pressure to choose between a life of adventure, awe, and the occasional thrilling bout of food poisoning…and a responsible, stable life back home. With a backyard fire pit. Green bean casseroles. Knowing how to spell casserole. And your name on—wait for this moment of rapture—a utility bill. (AKA the official “are you a real adult” litmus test.)

The New Digital Nomad
Still doesn’t know how to spell casserole….but, has strategically set up their career so they can enjoy the pleasures of both lifestyles: a few months in Italy here, a few months in Ireland there (playing with baby sheep, obviously), a few months buying all-new wallpaper for the entryway in their Airbnb property in Cape Cod over here (for which they have the sacred piece of paper known as: A WATER BILL WITH THEIR NAME ON IT angels sing between swigs of vermouth)—and then a few months back at their main home base in Colorado, where they rest and rejuvenate and play Monopoly and order 1-day shipping on items like toothpaste, JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN.

The Old Digital Nomad
Scrapes by on the fumes of a freelance gig for a guy named Jean, who pays you with the recycled compost of an old banana peel on the third moon of the fourth Monday (but also wants you understand the value of exposure.)

The New Digital Nomad
Ease-filled $20K+ months, from a business you’ve designed entirely online, to be run from anywhere in the world, engineered using technology, to be auto-self-sustaining with minimum required input, while facilitating maximum output, generating an excess of disposable income to celebrate both lifestyles—with plenty left over for a real adult retirement savings, the best health insurance money can buy, and violently exquisite socks (f*ck off, Jean).

The Old Digital Nomad
Seeks out budget destinations for under $1,000/mo and ends up sharing a cockroach-infested room with a guy named Junior and a toilet that sings the national anthem

The New Digital Nomad
Goes wherever their curiosity leads them (even if the people speak French) and stays in the chicest boutique hotel in town (with red and mustard-striped wallpaper) before going to photograph the sunset (or seventy-two buildings) to “document life” (AKA rub it into their ex, an accountant from Minnesota) and then sit down (on something velvet) for a glass of red wine (medium-bodied) and to work on their new manuscript (a book of essays) with the fire blazing (it’s gas) and the faint lull of people wearing double-breasted blazers passing by, saying things like “mmm, edamame.”

In short, we know how to do things now that we didn’t know how to do fifteen years ago.

—We know how to create an optimal career online that you can do from anywhere.

—We know how to use technology and systems to work smarter.

—We know how to structure your time so you have plenty of it to ENJOY.

—We know how to make great money while also making a great life.

And, I’m pretty sure the neck wrinkles have been worth it…so long as I can keep snapping selfies without snapping my pelvis.

REMAINS TO BE SEEN. 🤷‍♀️

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(If you want to become a new digital nomad—and travel with your partner or family without sacrificing financial security—stay tuned! I’ll be writing lots more, with my tummy sticking out and my ankles lookin’ weird, comin’ your way.)