Adultery Saturdays: Words of "Wisdom" That You Need to Ignore
1. There’s no place like home.
Uh. Have you ever been to Disney Land? Because that place is pretty sweet.
But while “home” is safe and comforting and welcoming, don’t be afraid to find other new places that fit the bill. Maybe there’s a cafe in Paris that gives you all the same warm fuzzies, or an acquaintance’s SoHo loft that smells just like your mom. (Let’s pretend that’s not as weird as it sounds.)
It’s great that your home is a haven, just don’t use that as an excuse to stay put forever.
You might have roots, but you’re not a tree, and it’s time to go exploring.
2. Love is never having to say you’re sorry.
Look. Relationships are hard, and you’re going to screw up. A lot. And if you don’t apologize, you’ll be kicked to the curb, (and possibly in the groin), faster than you can say, “Pickleball.” (I don’t actually know what that is, but my gym offers classes. It also has a “wet craft” room. I’ve decided not to inquire.)
3. You can’t judge a book by its cover.
What?! OF COURSE YOU CAN.
Have you ever seen a Nicholas Sparks cover? (In case you haven’t, let’s all take a moment to appreciate that they’re all white people almost kissing.)
And while they might not be the most inventive covers, they tell you immediately what’s inside. People judge books by their covers all the time, (both literally and figuratively), so GET YOURSELF A DAMN GOOD COVER.
See also: wash your hair before a job interview, ya bum, because you will be judged, whether or not you polish your patent leather pumps.
4. All that glitters isn’t gold.
Yeah, because some of it’s silver. Or copper. Or that fake glitter they put on cupcakes. Mmm, cupcakes.
This goes along with, “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is,” to which I say, EXCEPT FOR WHEN IT ISN’T.
Good things exist. Great things exist. And I promise you that you can have them. (And I’m not even crossing my fingers behind my back.)
5. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
Keep your friends close and then AVOID ENEMIES ALWAYS.
Because becoming bosom buddies with your nemesis almost always leads to stabbing, or at the very least, some pretty passive aggressive Facebook posts. (And don’t even get me started on the phrase bosom buddies. NO ONE GETS TO BE FRIENDS WITH MY BOOBS UNLESS I SAY SO.)
6. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
No. Always beat them. Preferably with a very large stick.
Because “joining” means lowering your standards, slumping your shoulders, and giving in–to mediocrity, complacency, and sweatpants. BURN THE SWEATPANTS. WIN AT EVERYTHING. Or at least try your damndest.
7. Curiosity killed the cat.
Curiosity didn’t kill the cat, y’all. Curiosity made the cat sexier, more hilarious, and better at pool.
Wonder about everything. Learn about anything you can get your hands on. And be so much better for it. (Bonus: You can feel smug as fuck when you know more answers than your friends whilst watching Jeopardy.)
8. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
…But also paranoid, distant, and pissy.
Because at its finest, absence actually makes the heart fight with the other heart over the phone and sometimes via Skype and then drink all the bourbon and cry in the peanut butter aisle at the Super Target. (Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)
9. All good things come to those who wait.
You know what comes to those who wait? Nothing. Except really long hair, because growing it out long enough to have a casual, wavy French braid a la Katniss Everdeen? Takes so much time.
In reality, all good things come to those who go out and make them fucking happen. And don’t you forget it.
10. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
[INSERT LOW-BROW PUBIC HAIR JOKE HERE.]
So on THAT wonderful note, hop into the comments and spill the beans about what sayings drive you to drink. (And speaking of which, WHY DOES EVERYONE SPILL THE BEANS ALL THE TIME?! That’s just a blatant a waste of protein, you guys.)
Jessica Manuszak
Jess is a rebel with a cause, (and also lots of cardigans), who maniacally fled from college with a few degrees in creative writing tucked securely under her right arm. After sprinting away from corporate America so fast you'd think her ass was ablaze with a fire perfect for roasting s'mores, she spends her time mainlining gin-soaked olives, jumping into rivers with extreme reckless abandon, and sleeping with the lights on after marathoning shows about ghosts. As the creative strategist, lead project manager, and writer of Adultery here at TMF, she's a horse of a different color, (which mostly makes her want to knock on a huge wooden door and insist on seeing the wizard).
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