Adultery Saturdays: 10 Things Everyone On The Internet Is Afraid To Say

The internet is a huge, diverse place that prides itself on its acceptance and punch-to-the-gut honesty. And yet.

AND YET! (I’m raising both my eyebrows and pointer finger dauntingly, in case you were wondering.)

There’s still stuff that everyone on the internet is afraid to say. And since I’m always up for a challenge, (and a piping hot threesome cup of coffee), I’m going to lay it out in all its glory.

So, let’s begin! SHALL WE?

1. Stop posting pictures of your positive pregnancy test on Facebook.

Am I happy for you? Probably. But dude. You peed on that. And if it’s okay to post pictures of things we’ve peed on, I have a picture of a fire hydrant I need to dig up from college, because four words: tequila with pineapple juice.

2. Internet fights are almost always below the belt.

Take a step back, acknowledge that one, or both, or the twenty of you, are being ridiculous, close your laptop, and GO OUTSIDE. Because getting into a heated argument on your Facebook wall is about as classy as dumping your girlfriend via AOL instant messenger–when it still existed, that is. Also? Internet fights almost always feature the phrase, “Check yourself before you wreck yourself,” and no one wants to see that shit.

3. We know you’ve gained weight.

All of your pictures are taken from a strategic angle to hide those twenty pounds, and you’ve cropped them so they only show you from your chest up.

Look. It’s cool. No one cares, and we want to see you in all your sexy glory, with or without a little extra junk in your trunk jeans. (But also, we don’t care if your literal trunk is full of junk, either.)

4. Stop trying so hard to convince everyone you’re perfect.

Those daily positive statuses about how you’re choosing to be happy? About how you CAN’T be happier, because your life and job and relationship and shoes are perfect? Yeah.

Those posts tell us that you’re about one inspirational quote away from totally losing your shit. It’s okay that you’re struggling. But instead of spewing bullshit, ask someone for help. We just want you to actually be happy. (And also all of that woo-woo stuff is annoying.)

5. You don’t need a life hack for everything.

The other day I saw a thing on Pinterest for making baked potatoes in the crockpot. It was all, “Just put the potatoes in the crockpot in the morning, let them cook for 8 hours, and voila! Baked potatoes!” You know what else works? BAKING THE FUCKING POTATO FOR TEN MINUTES. (And don’t even get me started on the ones about putting your hair in a ponytail. Step 1: Put your hair in a ponytail. TA-DA.)

You don’t have to research everything, because in the time it took you to read the post about baking a potato in a crockpot? YOU COULD ALREADY BE EATING YOUR POTATO. I’m sorry I’m so shouty about this. Potatoes bring out the worst in me.

6. Sometimes, we don’t care.

Oh, you’re waking up early, working for 9 hours, going to the gym, eating a salad for dinner, watching the newest episode of The Bachelor and putting on your pajamas before climbing into bed? Cool. Good for you. Seriously.  You’re living a life just like everyone else.

But PLEASE don’t tell us about it all the time always, capische?

7. Get your own email address/Facebook account/Twitter handle.

It’s cute that you and your significant other love each other, blah blah. But if I get another email from susieandbill@emailtime.com, I will do what I always do–

Laugh a little. Shake my head. And delete it. If you want to be taken seriously as an individual, ACTUALLY BE AN INDIVIDUAL. Unless you’re using the email to send me an adorable picture of my nieces and an invite to come over for dinner, because in that case, carry on.

8. You’re making yourself look bad.

I know what you’re thinking. You literally just told us to come how we are, regardless of weight or emotional state, etc.

I know. I KNOW. But there’s a nice balance between being solid and open about who you are, and sharing with the entire world about how your baby daddy bleeped some bleeping bleeper last night and is a no-good MOTHERBLEEPER. (I’m not even going to type it out, because that would be PERPETUATING THE CYCLE.)

Reel in the crazy. Just a little. I promise it’s for the best.

9. You don’t have to check in everywhere.

I say this as someone who Tweets every time I watch a Top Model rerun, frequently Instagrams pictures of every delicious whiskey I can find, and have totally deemed great cheese plates Facebook post worthy–so yeah, it’s totally cool if you call me a hypocrite.

But if I can point to a map and figure out where you’ve spent every second of any given day? It’s time to dial it back. Because I want to know about restaurants that have the perfect bacon-wrapped dates or a draft selection to pine for. That being said? I don’t give a flying fuck if you’re waiting in line at the post office.

10. Everything is not automatically made better by putting it in a list form.

See? It’s funny because this is the tenth point in a list! #selfawareness #hashtaginablogpost #don’tevengetmestartedonhashtags

Moral of the story?

The internet is whack, you guys.

#Adultery (<—I just couldn’t resist.)

What do you need the internet to know? Tell us below in the comments, (as long as you pinky promise that there won’t be any mention of slow-cooker baked potatoes).

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Jessica Manuszak

Jess is a rebel with a cause, (and also lots of cardigans), who maniacally fled from college with a few degrees in creative writing tucked securely under her right arm. After sprinting away from corporate America so fast you'd think her ass was ablaze with a fire perfect for roasting s'mores, she spends her time mainlining gin-soaked olives, jumping into rivers with extreme reckless abandon, and sleeping with the lights on after marathoning shows about ghosts. As the creative strategist, lead project manager, and writer of Adultery here at TMF, she's a horse of a different color, (which mostly makes her want to knock on a huge wooden door and insist on seeing the wizard).

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