3 Scripts for Firing a Client Who's Just Not on Your Level

There is nothing worse than:

1. A giant, furry, asshole of a spider 🕷️ showing up in your shower WHILE YOU’RE NAKED AND SOAPY AND SCREAMING (ask me how I know).
2. Having a client you’re desperate to fire (but how?!)

While a good ol’ can of Raid takes care of the spider issue, unfortunately there isn’t “Raid for Humans.” (But, omg, did I just come up with the best invention ever???)

Alas, if you’re a creative, and you’re hiring yourself out, eventually it’s going to happen: eventually, you will wish you never took their money.

[Cue mental breakdown here]

CYWF (clients you wanna fire) come in all shapes and sizes: there’s the client who micromanages and nitpicks and thinks they can do the job better than the person they hired to do it 😉; there’s the client who goes MIA and disappears for weeks on end and can never provide timely feedback and puts a major kink in your project schedule; there’s the client who is relying on arbitrary signs from the universe that the headline you wrote, or the font you picked, or the photographs you took, are going to work; there’s the client who emails twice a day with ‘additional thoughts’—and always in a new email—that takes up 7 pages; there’s the client who wants you to do unethical things, like make up testimonials or put stats on their website that are not true; there’s the client who never pays their bills on time; there’s the client who is always asking for a discount (and making you feel guilty); and, of course, there’s the most exotic breed of all: the client who’s simply a ruthless shitpuddle.

In all of these cases—and so many more—terminating a client relationship is the most appropriate (and healthy) thing to do. After all, you can’t grow your business if you’re spinning your wheels in a constant stream of agony.

But, woooooooooo, is it a doozy!

You don’t have the words.
You don’t know what to say.
You don’t know how to say it.
You’re worried they’ll be mad.
Terrified they’ll post negative reviews.
Unsure how to detangle yourself from the project.
And, um…not sure you can afford to be without the work, frankly. (We’ve all been there!)

Fortunately, finding the right words is my specialty, along with that one leftover slice of pizza in the freezer.

And, believe it or not?

Having the right words can change everything. I’ve never seen a bigger confidence booster in M’LIFE. When you have the right words, you have power. When you don’t have the right words, you have fear.

Words are tiny little muscles.

And today, I’m going to give you some!

3 Awesome Scripts to Try (When You Need to Fire a Client With Grace, Empathy, and Kindness)

Script #1: When a Client Wants to Hire You (And You Want to Run for the Hills—But It’s Obvious You Still Have Plenty of Open Spots on Your Calendar. Help!!!!!!)

<Client>,

Thank you SO much for reaching out—it’s an honor to hear such kind words about my work. It sounds like you’re going to have a lot of fun this coming quarter! (And, seriously, the world 100% needs your kitten-inspired boudoir set made from the larva of worms. I’ll be first in line to buy.)

That’s why this next sentence is such a bummer for me to type:

At this time, I’m going to have to pass. My schedule and existing commitments do not allow me to provide the level of attention and quality that your (awesome) project deserves.

I do, however, know a couple of colleagues who would smash this out of the park.

Here are their websites:

a)
b)
c)

I wish you the best of luck with this new endeavor! Looking forward to seeing its evolution, albeit from a distance.

Thanks again for reaching out and thinking of me,

<You>

Script #2: When You’re Midway Through the Project (And Want to Terminate the Relationship)

<Client>,

Hi there, I hope you are well.

I’m writing to inform you of an important change that will affect our working relationship; as of <date>, I will no longer be available to offer my services.

Here is what I’d like to propose so we can successfully navigate this transition and wrap up your project seamlessly—without a hitch!I’m going to place your project on high priority, so we can expedite all remaining action items. ✅Our new priority delivery schedule will be as follows: <insert expedited deliverable dates>Your feedback is welcome by the following dates: <insert dates feedback needed by>And, your final files will be delivered on <date>! (Maybe even by Santa.)

I’m looking forward to seeing this project through to its success, before transitioning to a new endeavor.

I’ll get started <doing this next thing>; meanwhile, you can expect to hear back from me on <date> with <next deliverable>.

Thanks for all of your support and collaboration. It has been an honor to work on this with you!

Kindly,
<You>

Script #3: When You’re Midway Through the Project / You’re on a Monthly Retainer (And REALLY NEED TO TERMINATE THE RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW)

<Client>,

Hi there, I hope you are well.

I’m writing to inform you of a change that will affect our working relationship; as of <date>, I will no longer be available to offer my services.

I understand this means that I won’t be able to remain on board through the duration of our current project. However, I’d like to propose the following solution:Client is released from all remaining payment obligations, effective immediately.Client will receive a refund in the amount of <amount>, per existing work agreement.Client is authorized to use and take ownership of all existing intellectual property created under this agreement.Provider will retain <amount> as the agreed upon “kill fee” to compensate for work complete (see section 2.3b under work agreement).

In the meantime, I can recommend the following colleagues who can help take your project over the finish line:

<Referral One>
<Referral Two>
<Referral Three>

All of them are wonderful and would be a great addition to your team.

I will go ahead and process the refund to get us squared away by EOD.

Thank you for your kind understanding. I wish you nothing but continued success!

<You>

Feel free to mix 'n match, or adjust for your tone or situation, of course. But hopefully, these will give you some useful, happy little language you can use that doesn’t come off as cold as “I’ve decided to terminate our working relationship…” (Because as much as you might want to say that, it’s unlikely that you will. You need scripts that you’re going to actually feel comfortable using! 😀)

The best part?

Once you start standing up for yourself and making yourself clear, the rest of the world takes your lead—and that includes your clients. If anything, they won’t be mad—they’ll be begging to keep working with you! But, that’s why the phrase “I am no longer available to offer my services” is so pretty: it’s vague enough so it’s not personal (maybe you’re having a baby! maybe you’re taking a hiatus! maybe you’re switching career direction!), without specifically saying “MY SERVICES ARE NOT AVAILABLE TO YOU, JERK.” (Even though that’s exactly what you meant.)

Worst case scenario, you could always join the witness protection program.

Or just invent a can of Human Raid.