Personality is the New Marketing

On Punchy, Quirky, Personality-Filled Brand Names (That'll Stick a Jack Knife in Their Guts) 🔪

Today I bought my dead mom’s favorite honey mustard dip.

Ken’s brand, obviously.

She used to put it on everything—sort of like how I put cynicism on everything.

I keep thinking that if I had a mustard brand, I’d make it so much more fun. While “honey mustard” is a classic, why not “Dead Mom’s Mustard?” I think that’s hilarious. We’d have Dead Mom’s Mustard, and Ketchup Stains from ‘98, and Skating Rink Ranch, and probably White-Tee Shirt Sweetheart Sauce, which would be barbecue.

There would be no Thousand Islands, because this is my fantasy world, and I hate Thousand Islands. SPOILER ALERT: IT’S ACTUALLY THOUSAND ISLAND, SINGULAR, WHICH I JUST CONFIRMED VIA THE WORD OF OUR LORD— GOOGLE.

Well, that really seals the deal for me.

The only disappointing thing about my feud with this sick little sauce is that—apparently—its origins are Canadian, and I love Canada. I love everything about Canada. I’m so sorry Justin Trudeau. I’m so sorry about everything.

I’ve been thinking about brand names for, oh, 15 years now, and one thing that never changes is the need to create memorable ones. Ones that snap, swing, swirl, bounce. Ones that make people irrationally excited.

You know what people do when they’re excited, right?

They say the word yes.

They say yes to trying your thing, while giving you the benefit of the doubt.

The brand name itself does a TON of heavy lifting, because simply by liking a name we become more open-minded to whatever’s on the other side of it. We find ourselves interested.

Contrast that with a dead, dull, generic, uninspiring name that’s the color of dust. Nobody wants to buy dust.

Just take a look at these crime scenes:

• Global Solutions Inc.

• Synergy Partners Ltd.

• Dynamic Consulting Group

• Innovative Business Systems

• Premier Solutions Network

• Advanced Management Services

• NextGen Enterprises

• Integrated Resource Associates

• Corporate Excellence LLC

• Business Advantage Worldwide

What?

I’m laughing because none of us have any idea what those companies would even do. How can you connect to a person if you can’t even use their language?

Then we’ve got the Online Hell Passive Income™️ version of these:

• ClickSuccessOnline.com

• NetProfitMasters.biz

• DigitalWealthSolutions.net

• EZMoneyFunnels.com

• OnlineBizProsperity.com

• VirtualIncomeHub.io

• PassiveProfitMachine.com

• FreedomEntrepreneurNow.com

• ECommerceEliteAcademy.com

• AffiliateWealthBlueprint.com

I’m pretty sure my IQ just dropped 100 points just typing those.

And then there’s the spiritually-drunk version:

• Authentic Life Mastery

• Inner Bliss Coaching

• Soul Purpose Pathways

• The Empowered Self Hub

• Awaken Your Potential Academy

• Radiant Life Revolution

• Infinite Possibilities Coaching

• Your Best Self Blueprint

• Unleash Your Truth

• The Mindset Maven

The wedding photography industry is also full of fairy lights in mason jars:

• Forever Moments Photography

• Captured Memories Studios

• Love Story Lens

• Timeless Snapshots

• Ever After Photography

• Two Hearts Captured

• Happily Ever Photos

• Cherished Clicks

• Picture Perfect Weddings

• Eternal Bliss Photography

Who else? AH, real estate! They’re the khaki pants 🩳 of business branding.

• Prime Realty Group

• HomeQuest Properties

• Elite Realty Solutions

• Superior Property Network

• NextHome Advantage

• Optima Real Estate Services

• Prestige Home Associates

• Pinnacle Realty Experts

• Property Partners Inc.

• Ultimate Realty Professionals

And then the entirely predictible digital product gang:

• Ultimate Productivity Bundle

• The Success Toolkit

• Digital Mastery Blueprint

• Content Marketing Playbook

• Online Income Accelerator

• The Complete Digital Pack

• Email List Builder Pro

• Social Media Growth Hacks

• Instant Sales Formula

• Passive Profit System

Are we going to survive this email? Do we need cocaine? Does your brand name need cocaine? Should I stop saying cocaine?

I’ve never tried cocaine for the record. I feel like I need to put that on the record.

You know which brand names I think are fantastic?

1. Subversive Cross Stitch
   Indie brand that does DIY cross-stitch kits with bold, snarky phrases.

2. Eggslut
   LA-based eatery that's provocative and unforgettable.

3. Big Gay Ice Cream
   Loud, proud, and impossible to ignore. Ice cream with attitude.

4. Octopus Energy
   UK-based energy brand praised online for being refreshingly fun and approachable in an industry that's anything but.

5. Misfits Market & Imperfect Foods
   People love these online grocery stores for tackling waste with a name that feels proudly rebellious and honest.

6. Big Ass Fans
   They took customer feedback literally and ran with it.

7. Anti-Monkey Butt Powder
   Seriously, look it up.

8. Poo-Pourri
   THE bathroom spray brand with humorous branding that has sold over 60 million bottles since its launch in 2007. (Including to my house.)

9. Sorry Mom Tattoo Care
   Irreverent products for tattoo lovers

10. Ass Savers
    Bike fenders and products for the cycling community

11. Clusterfudge
    Chocolate fudge brand

12. Awkward Family Photos
    Books & merch, but wouldn’t this be fantastic as a photo framing company?

13. PMS Bites
    Snack company that was on Shark Tank

14. Little Pricks Cactus Co.
    This is just hilarious

15. Satan’s Breath Hot Sauce
    How have I not tried this yet???

16. Unicorn Snot
    Glittery cosmetics

17. Cranky Granny’s Pie Company
    I love this juxtaposition of what you expect from a grandmotherly pie company

18. Balls of Steel
    Whiskey chillers with a name that exudes confidence and a cause—supporting men's health.

19. Deez Knots
    Nautical gear & boating apparel, oh yes

Now, obviously these are highly irreverent names, which happen to be my specialty. They certainly don’t have to be irreverent to be effective in today’s marketplace, but you know what they do need to be?

Human.

Notice the language shift.

1️⃣ Pinnacle. Success. Premiere. Advanced.

2️⃣ Gay. Octopus. Misfit. Cranky.

We’re using real human words. Real words that people actually say.

Believe it or not, this is what people (actually) mean when they say that something is written “with personality”—a person actually sounds like they wrote it.

Personality matters—even in pixels. Especially in pixels, because there isn’t any other context.

No one wants to even browse content anymore if it isn’t a product that’s tailored to them, by which I mean, tailored to their reading & experience expectations.

Words are products.

Your content is a product.

Doesn’t matter where you’re writing it.

People still expect the content to be wonderfully-written; to make a point; to take a stand; to add something interesting; to say something worth their time. Their time is the cost. 💰

Most content, however, is still just content. Not a product, but a burden.

The very first place to start? The very first place where you can, and should, set the tone for your customers? Is with a memorable, punchy brand name that tap dances across tongues and then shoves a piano down their throat.

Set the tone.
Light a spark.
Stick a knife in their guts.

And don’t be afraid to take risks with your brand.

After all, it’s (still) the most underutilized marketing tool there is.

Love,
Ash

P.S. 👨‍🦰👨‍🦰👨‍🦰←This man with the stache is my new favorite emoji. This will be our secret code for “WRITTEN WITH PERSONALITY, THANK YOUUUUU.”