Dear World: I Am Waving at People All Wrong

This unspoken rule is (apparently) essential for visiting rural America

I’m Ash, and I’m a writer, traveler, nonconformist & nomad, and every week I’m sharing funny field notes from around the world. Currently, I’m in America writing about what it’s been like to return home to my small town, twenty years after living abroad.

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Let me tell you what: I know the etiquette of oyster eating. I know the etiquette of pasta eating. I know the etiquette of french onion soup eating. (Stick a knife in that bitch and pray.)

But there’s one etiquette rule I didn’t master until recently.

It’s not a rule I ever had to learn in any city. It’s not a rule you’d find in any etiquette book. It’s not something you’d ever need to know in a formal setting.

And yet, here in the countryside of America, it’s just as important.

Which etiquette rule am I talking about?

Which etiquette rule has the power to bring a good man to his knees????

Which etiquette rule can make or break your entire reputation??????????

It’s the legendary one-handed car wave, baby.

Oh yes, there is an official car wave round these parts, and the way you wave—or don’t—defines you as a person. You ain’t nothin’ without a proper wave. You are the gum on the bottom of my diner stool. You are the crud that’s built up in my sewage pipe.

The car wave is an unspoken behavioral rule of rural America.

There are two different types of car waves one needs to master:

1. The wave when passing other cars

2. The wave when passing people’s houses

At first, I royally messed this up.

As a naturally enthusiastic person, I am prone to over-waving: you know, the hyper chihuahua-like wave? That’s my personality, all in one motion. I would drive by people’s houses and, seeing them on their porch, start waving as if I’d just had a seizure.

But, I was so happy to wave! So happy to have people who wanted to wave back to me!

When I lived in Santiago, Chile, one of my biggest gripes was that nobody greeted one another in the elevator. So you can imagine my joy at discovering the exact opposite: here, not waving is a hostile act.

“It’s the polite thing to do. If you drove by my grandfather’s house and you didn’t wave, he automatically assumed you were upset with him.”

That’s a real quote from a real local, because obviously I walked around surveying everyone in town, asking them whether or not they wave when they drive by in a car.

“Ninety percent of the time I wave,” another man told me. “The other ten percent are gas guys—I don’t wave to them.”

He was referring to the natural gas guys who are working in this area of the country, fracking. (You saw Promised Land with Matt Damon, right?) There is very much a “them vs us” mentality. All of the gas guys are from places like Texas and Tennessee and West Virginia, and much of the opioid epidemic is blamed on their influence—not to mention their stealing of good prospective partners.

I then drilled down even further, which seems like I made that gas pun on purpose, but I am not that clever.

“So would you wave when driving down a yellow-lined road???” I inquired.

The focus group got itchy.

“Only if I knew a person,” they agreed.

And thus, I, Ash Ambirge, weaseled my way right into the heart of this rule: it only ever happens on dirt roads.

If you’re on a dirt road, and you’re passing another car—even if they are a stranger—OR if you’re passing someone who is out in their yard—even if they are a stranger, too—you must wave, or else thought rude. (“Oh, okay, I’ll just go fuck myself” is a common response to the non-wavers, who are likely on vacation from New Jersey.)

If, however, you are on a *blacktop* road with two yellow lines, therefore meaning the speed limit is 35 MPH or greater, then all waving obligations are hereby suspended. There, the road feels less intimate. There, you are free to be a cold-hearted cunt.

MYSTERY: SOLVED.

Yet, none of this explains the technique behind a proper wave. This, of course, was my initial struggle. Too excitable, too over-eager. And nobody wants to be around an over-eager waver.

But with enough scrupulous observation, and enough careful daily practice, I, too, learned how to wave like the locals.

Are you ready to learn an etiquette rule you will never have to use unless you find yourself on a dirt road in the middle of rural America and want to blend in???

Excellent!

Here is the rule.

You do not wave your hand left and right. You do not wave it up and down. And you certainly do not fist pump anybody as you go by, unless that person is me.

Rather, the proper way to do a rural country wave is with a very controlled movement of the hand.

You keep your thumb resting on the steering wheel.

And, as you pass by another car, right at the moment when you’re at maximum closeness, you quickly flick four fingers upward into a stiff salute—AND THEN YOU HOLD.

The holding is important! Do not skip the holding!

Your car wave is nothing without a two to three second hold.

Now, there are exceptions.

If, for example, you are waving at a person carrying a lawn gnome across their yard, you have full permission to simply run them over. We don’t need that riff raff around here.

More commonly, however, is if you’re waving at a person on their porch. Because of their relative location to the east or west of your vehicle, you then have permission to remove your hand from the steering wheel ever-so-quickly, and thus perform your car wave at a vertical angle through the window.

It’s a real mind-bender, I know.

Even more exciting is when you’re driving with a window down, because then you are able to extend your arm into the open air and really perform a grand recital.

In all of the above instances, however, the wave itself remains unchanged: a stiff flick of the wrist to show all of your fingers into the air, before returning them to their home position on the wheel.

And this, dear friends, completes our tutorial.

This is also how I know I’m slowly losing my mind.

Next week, we’ll talk about the perfect way to walk through your house without tracking mud all over your white carpet—another skill I am failing miserably at mastering.