I Ripped Out an Entire Kitchen With My Bare F*cking Hands

What if everything you thought was going to be hard was actually the most joy you’ve found in a really, really long time???

Holy wet trousers, have you ever held a crow bar??????? These things are dynamite! Spectacular! Tiny little atomic man miracles!

Maybe I’m a psycho (I’m definitely a psycho) but I’m pretty sure this just clocked in above chafe cream when it comes to objects I classify as best friends. Lookout, world: this crank has finally figured out how to use a lever.

TOOLS!

But wait: there’s more exciting news. Did you know they call a crowbar a “jimmy” in the UK and Australia???? I did not know this information, but clearly this made me v. v. suspicious because for me, a “jimmy” is a candy sprinkle you put on ice cream, BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT???? I Googled things (I love Googling things) and also apparently in the UK and in Australia, they call the ice cream candies something absolutely, unbelievably, fantastically unforgivable:

They call them “hundreds and thousands.”

YES, LIKE, TOGETHER. HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS. THAT IS THE NAME. AS IN, “HI, THERE. I’D LIKE A CHOCOLATE AND VANILLA TWIST WITH HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS.”

Is this real life?! Can any of my UK and Aussie peeps confirm this abomination??? This seems like far too much of a mouthful. Is it possible these are the rainbow-colored balls you put on top of cupcakes, and not the long, skinny ones you put on ice cream? Could there be some confusion here? Not that it would make it any easier to say, but god, I’m dying to know the truth. Please, someone, set us free from this misery.

ANYWAY, CROWBARS!

What modern magic.

You know what else I own, now that I am a country badass with muck boots and a bad attitude???

A reciprocating saw and a drill.

And let me tell you what: these three tools have set me free.

This past weekend, I, a mediocre human without knowledge of how to rip out an entire kitchen with my bare hands, RIPPED OUT AN ENTIRE KITCHEN WITH MY BARE HANDS. Okay, fine, I had help. My high school friend the stone mason was like, “Okay, enough talking about, let’s go do it!” and I was like, “BUT I’M NOT PREPARED?!?!?” and he was like, “Get your boots on, you giant lymph node, and let’s fucking go.” He didn’t actually say that last part but I said that last part because suddenly I was feeling extremely OCD about the fact that I wasn’t ready? And apparently I think I need to have spent at least 435 days overthinking something and researching the world’s best hard hats and gathering up my safety checklist before (finally) marching out to do something that humans have been doing for hundreds of years, which is good, old-fashioned physical, manual labor. The novelty!

Turns out, sometimes you just need to stop self-handicapping, get out of your own way, and go, go, go.

Which is how I learned that, wow, reciprocating saws are, um, my new religion??? Did you know you can cut through practically anything with one of these freaks??? YES, THAT IS RIGHT. I’m working on my complete set of Ryobi battery-operated tools—which are absolutely adorable and miniature and just my size—and so far, the reciprocating saw is my newest crush.

Here is how you tear out an old cottage kitchen with your bare hands:

1. Step One: Use the drill to unscrew the screws. (And gasp!)

2. Step Two: Use the crowbar to pry the cupboards loose. (And gasp some more!)

3. Step Three: Use the reciprocating saw to cut the countertops into manageable chunks. (Lose your actual mind.)

4. Step Four: Throw all into a dumpster outside. (Gasp for air.)

5. Step Five: WATCH IN AWE AS THE KITCHEN DISAPPEARS AND YOU ARE HIGH ON YOUR OWN SELF-COMPETENCE.

Would you believe that? Would you believe that, wow, so much in life is actually easier than it seems? I keep finding this out, over and over again: everything that you build up in your head for years and years as this big, looming thing is usually not very scary at all, ever. (Just ask me about the pinecones.)

A couple of years ago, I really wanted to remodel my Philly property and I really, really wanted to learn how to do it myself, but there were always so many factors that made it awfully intimidating (third-floor walk-up, can’t get a dumpster in the city, what if I burst a pipe and it floods the neighbors below me, am I completely in over my head???) so I’ve been thinking about learning these skills forever, and finally! This new property in the country came with a little guest cottage on site, and I knew this was my big chance. This would be the moment when I could finally sink my claws into a design project without worrying that the sound of the tile saw is driving everyone to drink.

Little did I know that I could accomplish so much with just three little tools.

Flick! Off went the doors.

Flick! Off went the cabinets.

Flick! Off went the countertop.

And suddenly I was overcome with SUCH. BIG. JOY. I kept saying, over and over again, “this is the best day of my life!!!” and I meant it: there is so much thrill in discovering your own autonomy. Like, wow, you are not beholden to anyone or anything and you can actually DO THINGS ON YOUR OWN.

Everything in life is like this: at first it seems intimidating. And then, the more you do it, the less intimidating it becomes. Soon, you are good at it. Then, you’re great. This is the fundamental, universal law of applied effort. So, whatever you want to do? You can. The only question is: how much time are you willing to dedicate?

I wish more people knew this.

I wish more people would take a chance on themselves.

A big theme in my book is this idea of personal agency: you have much more control over your circumstances than you think. Life doesn’t actually have to happen to you: you’re actually in charge. Whether or not you feel in charge is a different story, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that you are.

Sometimes we need this reminder.

There are things in life you think are going to be beyond you, but then you go do them, and you discover that, not only were they not as hard as you thought, but they were blissful and enjoyable and euphoric, and what if everything you thought was going to be hard was actually the most joy you’ve found in a really, really long time???

And, what if everything you think is going to be hard actually turns out to be the most freeing thing you’ve ever done?

Confidence comes from doing the things you thought you couldn’t.

You see what you’re capable of. You delight yourself with your own competence. Most of the time, it’s way easier, and way more possible, than it seems right now. Everything is learnable. And, when you learn something new, you get power. It’s one of the most thrilling things in the world. DO NOT COWER IN YOUR KITCHEN.

Buy the crowbar.

Buy the drill.

Buy the saw.

And get yourself outside, you giant lymph node.

Because there’s no such thing as “ready.”